Just Golden

Don't ask

2010-05-11T20:34:00.003-05:00

We have a new rule around here. When you screw up, you will not get put in the corner. We'll bring the corner to you...then we will demoralize you on the internet. Rules are rules.

It's Official!

2010-04-13T20:29:00.005-05:00

Molly has been inducted into the prestigious White Face Society. Her many years of hard work and her tireless effort fighting crime and injustice have finally paid off. Couple that with her infinite wisdom on matters of national security and her benevolence, Molly should be ready for prime time in no time.

Tess, on the other hand, is still waiting for the short bus to show up.

Please wait. Charging in progress.

2010-04-07T20:06:00.003-05:00

We here at Just Golden are aware of the error messages and total system crashes you have been receiving when you get to about 60% of a full charge. Our administrators are working hard to correct the problem and we appreciate your patience as we resolve these issues.

Freeloaders

2010-03-28T16:01:00.003-05:00

They are just hanging around and feigning affection because they think there is still a shot that we'll win a million bucks in our NCAA tournament bracket. No one tell them, okay?

Tess at 4

2010-02-02T18:02:00.003-06:00

For most, today is Groundhog Day. Around these parts, where everyday is a groundhog day, it's Tess' birthday. Four years ago, I got an email informing (warning?) me that that the Tess train had pulled into the station. In the years that followed, she has earned all of her nicknames - Tess-a-mess, Snuggle Tess, Freakshow and Butthead.

She sheds on everything. She "attacks" door-to-door salesmen. She annoys that other dog that hangs around here. BUT, guess who is curled up at my feet as I write this?

State of the Union

2010-01-28T19:31:00.002-06:00

It's getting to the point where I can no longer relax on the couch and watch tv with my dogs. Maybe I should remember to turn off Fox and Friends before leaving for work?

7?

2010-01-19T23:29:00.003-06:00

Seven years ago, a great lady came into my life. Her name is Molly.

We love Mols.

Tessnuts roasting on an open fire

2010-01-12T18:44:00.002-06:00

Women are easy to buy for...

2009-12-30T22:10:00.003-06:00

...You just have to know what they want.

Tess has her moments

2009-12-18T17:59:00.005-06:00

This is the vicious dog who chased a pushy door to door salesman down the street a few nights ago. The poor salesman, in addition to having some poor taste in tattoo placement, has to live with the fact that he ran screaming (like a little girl) and swinging when this dog accidentally made it out to the front porch.

No one was injured, although Tess may shy away from clip boards for a little while. All she was interested in was if the guy had a stash of tennis balls in the back pocket of his baggy pants. My guess is that the salesman is no stranger to being hunted by K-9 units.

You see, Tess usually hears this song in her head on constant repeat, but on Tuesday, there was an unconscious error in her internal music.

I suppose I should also thank Molly for participating by providing some bellicose barking at a safe distance, but it was Tess who did all the "work" and took all the shots like a champ.

Maybe they were just excited to meet the new guy at the door who just happened to be scared of dogs, or maybe they were really in protection mode. We'll never know. All we know is that there was a guy with me on the porch who would not take "no" for an answer and would not leave until the door swung open and the hounds were released...accidentally.

What was he selling? Home security systems. Irony is fun, but Goldens are funner!

Missing controlled chaos

2009-12-09T18:24:00.003-06:00

Tonight the house is quiet. Molly and Tess are rotting away in dog jail. It's always hard to drop them off the day before leaving town. There is no one around to warn of the impending doom because of squirrels rooting around outside. If an acorn falls on the roof at 3am, I will have no way of knowing.

Being without my buddies makes me wonder what people without dogs all the time do in their spare time. Maybe it is the dogless who have made reality TV shows so popular. Maybe the dogless are responsible for global warming. Surely they are the ones behind Twitter.

Tonight, I am dogless. I'll be watching "Survivor" while sorting my recycling, but if you followed me on Twitter, you'd already know that.

Tess counted her money while sitting at the table

2009-11-24T20:33:00.003-06:00

Appropriate measures were taken and the situation was rectified. Rules are rules.

Y'all have a great Thanksgiving and take some time to remember what it is that you are thankful for.

Long day

2009-10-11T18:53:00.002-05:00

My dog is cooler than your dog!

2009-10-05T21:54:00.002-05:00

Osmosis

2009-09-30T21:16:00.003-05:00

Does anyone know how long you have to hold them together to make them both perfect dogs?

Wanted:

2009-09-24T20:21:00.003-05:00

One good sharpened poking stick or some useful tips on how to move dead weight.

Health Care 101

2009-09-11T21:59:00.003-05:00

What? This has nothing to do with health care! This is just some random internet person sharing pictures of some damned dogs.

If you have viewed this in error, please contact our customer service department and you will receive a full refund for the time you have just wasted in about 6-8 weeks.

We are still here...

2009-08-29T23:44:00.002-05:00

...just reloading at the moment.

Public Service Announcement

2009-07-30T21:42:00.003-05:00

Before I start, please know that Molly and Tess are fine. I have to post this though. I'm begging you all to get your dogs (and all the dogs you know) a life jacket if they are less than confident in the water.

Sure, we all lose our minds and get distracted when pools or lakes and cold beer are involved, but don't want to read about any of you doing that.

Living in a divided house

2009-07-23T19:55:00.002-05:00

This is what I know. Molly is a conservative and Tess is a liberal. Tess also thinks she is a good salesman. Unfortunately for her, Molly can see right through her lame sales pitches. Guess who gets to break ties around here.

Unrelated...you may have noticed that Molly looks ripped in the first picture. No, she does not have any performance enhancing drugs in her diet. I'm very proud that she was born with those guns! Also unrelated, does anyone know why they don't sell Bibles for dogs at Petco?

Shocking unreleased photos!

2009-07-18T15:35:00.002-05:00

I was organizing my home office this afternoon and stumbled upon pictures from Molly's first day on the job. The first stop after bringing her home was to meet my parent's back door neighbor's dogs.

After a quick talk about the birds and the bees and how to kick some butt, Molly was ready to meet some new folks. Crusty old West Texas men. She brought it right at them and was pretty good at calling out their b.s. Not to worry, it all worked out in the end.

Today my girl is a little bigger, a little more grouchy and infinitely more special than that first day. It's been about 6 years since I've seen those pictures. I've picked up another freeloader in that time, but all she seems to be good at is doing a good "coyote ugly" pose.

The end.

Bringing a knife to a gun fight

2009-07-03T19:54:00.003-05:00

This 4th, I'll bring this worn out Golden to a little competition to see how far she can jump off a dock. Let's pray that there is at least one fat lab there so she doesn't finish last! Tess, I'm sorry, but your butt will be staying at home because you stop at the edge of the dock to think for a second and then jump.

Sunday afternoon randomness.

2009-06-28T14:49:00.002-05:00

When you drink too much...

2009-06-21T10:04:00.002-05:00

...there is always a possibility of waking up next to an ugly woman with a questionable sense of morality, abandonment issues and strange morning after breakfast cravings.

This one is going on the shelf...after the nightstand

2009-06-16T19:23:00.000-05:00

A few weeks ago I was awaiting two days impending doom and misery outside a hotel conference room and reading a copy of USA Today to pass the time. Thumbing through the pages, I came across a picture of a guy and a Golden, so naturally, I had to read.

It turns out the article was about Dean Koontz and a little about his life, a little about his home and a little about what he had on the horizon. All of it was sprinkled with tales of his love for his dog and how some dumb old dog changed his life and how his most recent dog was carrying on the tradition. I've never been a huge fan, but have read a few of his books. Don't ask me about titles or when or where I read them or why. This book of his seems different.

I've never been able to read books about dogs. The one and only dog book I've ever read was Marley and Me and I did that right after it came out. I've read the first 50 pages of Where the Red Fern Grows at least 10 times, but always have to put it back on the shelf. The most recent dog book I quit on was The Art of Racing in the Rain, but that one was easy to put down after several pages of twisted political ideology early on...it made for a good excuse anyway.

I'm not a "breedist." I read Marley after all! There is just something about dog books that I've always been scared of...the endings. Recent events in my life and the lives of others (sparked by the article on Koontz) have inspired me to make my summer reading all about the dogs. I have to wait until the end of August to pick up A Big Little Life, and I have a copy of Red Fern, so I'll start with that. Again.

Does anyone have any other suggestions? The one caveat is that the book must be about a dog from either the sporting, herding, working or hound group. I just can't relate to the others. Maybe I am a "breedist" after all.

Happy dogs...

2009-06-14T11:47:00.003-05:00

...and one very tired dog owner.

A simple request

2009-06-06T14:07:00.002-05:00

If you have ever known a dog, owned a dog or even have a dog, there is a fellow dog lover, blogger and Golden snob out there who could sure use some love today. I won't link directly to the post because it's not something you want to just randomly click to and check out. I'm sure you can track it down from the comments in the post below if you want to know more.

Dogs touch our lives in such magnificent ways. They are a constant reminder of what's really important at the end of the day. If you are reading this and have something furry nearby, stop reading and go give them some annoyingly annoying love.

Sending all my best.

Back in action!

2009-05-23T09:45:00.003-05:00

It's been about a month since Tess has engaged in such nonsense. All throwable objects have been hidden out of site to avoid any temptation. This morning, I broke them out...and broke her back in. It was as if there had been no pause in the action. She is still faster than the camera. The blurriness does a good job of masking her other "issues" at least!

That's my girl! Glad to have her back.

Memorial Day 2009

2009-05-22T18:56:00.007-05:00

I've always been a fan of this weekend. It usually involves friends, a body of water, and a slew of Goldens. This year, I will not get to see my buddy, MASON (all caps intended because that's how you say it.) I will not get to see Jesse, the stinky lake dog. Molly and Tess will will pout because they get no attention.

I wish I had that picture of what seemed like a million wet Goldens on a flooded dock a few Memorial days ago. That might help ease the pain.

Updated: Ask and ye shall receive...

From top to bottom: MASON, Jesse, Tess. Molly hates being on docks when there is a perfectly good body of water nearby.

Thanks to my anonymous source!

For sale

2009-05-17T16:13:00.005-05:00

One happy, energetic golden retriever. Slightly worn. Limps, but not much anymore. Good at catching, bad at manners. Open wounds are like new and only ooze on light colored fabrics. Comes with a bottle of peroxide and some spray that stings and makes her run and hide when she sees the bottle. Make an offer.

P.S. If you've never tried to shave a dog late at night after cocktail hour, I'll just say that they are much more slippery and more evasive than they look. I'd also recommend having someone there to film it. Tess, you're killin' me!

So, do you feel lucky?

2009-05-07T18:44:00.002-05:00

Molly truly is the most vicious dog on the planet. Why are people not really scared of her?

Tess is going to pull through!

2009-05-04T17:50:00.004-05:00

Several days ago, I wrote something that I deleted shortly after writing. It was written out of total total fear and helplessness and was intended as a small distraction from what was happening. For those of you who did see the post and sent me some very kind words, I'd like to take this opportunity to thank you from the bottom of my heart.

The story was this...last week I came home from work and was greeted by Molly in the usual way, but no sign of Tess. Did I leave her outside on accident that morning? Nope. I found her curled up in the bedroom corner shaking like a leaf and unable to walk. When she tried, it was a struggle and her legs would soon collapse beneath her. I'll fast forward through the part where I became totally hysterical thinking about the vet visit, more specifically, the car ride home. Trust me, it wasn't pretty.

I collected myself and carried her into the vet's office prepared for the worst. I'm so happy to say that the worst did not come. Apparently, Tess is a wuss and her paralysis was literally a result of being scared stiff. The physical examination ruled out all of my worst fears and further tests determined that she had a hyper-extended joint in her front paw.

Tonight, she still has a significant hitch in her giddy-up, but she is able to take care of herself again with the help of the meds. It is quite a struggle to restrict her movement, but the kennel helps and she is only allowed outside on a leash for the time being.

Good news indeed. Who knew she was such a drama queen?

Updated to add this one. Both of them are pitiful. Tess may have a valid excuse, but Molly is just p.o.'d that she isn't getting all of the attention.

Derby Day gold

2009-05-03T12:40:00.003-05:00

No. I did not win a small fortune off of the bet that was a sure thing. My reward came in the form of something that you cannot assign a value. I got felt up by my soon to be sister-in-law!

First a little background. My brothers and I all look very similar. It being Derby Day, all the gentlemen were dressed very similar. My brother and I were wearing almost identical outfits.

I was just standing there when my sister-in-law came over to me and gave me what I thought was a little side hug. I returned the favor. It then became clear that a hug was not what she was after when her hand moved a little south of my lower back. A light bulb then appeared over my head.

She thought I was my brother, so what could I do other than respond in kind? The whole thing lasted for what seemed like an hour in my mind. In reality it was less than a minute. My brother came back to the group we were with and saw what was going on and also had a light bulb pop up over his head.

The mock fight that I had with him about infidelity and my doubts about their upcoming wedding...and my future sister-in-law's reaction to it was truly priceless. You don't always get to plan practical jokes. Sometimes they just fall right in your lap (or on your butt.)

Good times!

Dear old dad.

2009-04-28T08:04:00.005-05:00

This morning I wake up to this email from home with the subject "swine flu":

It’s time you looked around for the tamiflu and masks your paranoid dad gave you 3-4 yrs ago.

I was a bit disappointed that he was only sending this warning now. He is usually much more up to speed. I guess he just doesn't love me as much.

Tess is my hero

2009-04-22T20:15:00.003-05:00

Tess is generally a worthless dog unless you are cold and need the warmth of of a dog's butt in your face, or if you need to be alerted to a squirrel on the roof at 3 am, or if you have a frisbee that needs some catching. Early this morning she proved that she might not be as worthless as she seems.

I have been scared to death of snakes since junior high when I surprised a rattlesnake as much as it surprised me. That snake went for my shin that was covered by jeans and some good boots. I got lucky. So, yea, I don't trust or have any affection for snakes.

6:30 this morning rolls around and it's time to take the girls out for a potty break before work and Tess wandered the yard for a bit before becoming obviously agitated. My initial thought was that there was a frog or something she was harassing. Wrong. Copperhead.

It lasted about 3 seconds. My hero eliminated an imminent threat. I don't know how dogs know that something is afoul, but they do.

She has had multiple once-overs to look for bite marks and the vet has been notified that I may be calling if needed. Not to worry. I'm 99.9% sure that everything is just fine and that Tess is in no danger whatsoever. I still won't sleep tonight because I've been through this with Molly after an encounter with a water moccasin.

Everyone else can sleep easy knowing that there is one less poisonous snake hanging around.

A little home schooling

2009-04-20T18:51:00.003-05:00

This evening's lesson: Gentle giants always trump punks and the punks lack the ability to argue with this lesson.

Tummy rub time!

2009-04-16T23:47:00.003-05:00

Who wants to go first?

Some days, work makes sense

2009-04-16T19:09:00.002-05:00

Over a year ago, armed with only preliminary sketches and an idea, a truly talented artist brought a vision to life. Today, some photos came from a photographer with a much better grasp of proper lighting, ect. The idea has almost come full circle. Give it about a month.

The picture? Pictures are fun. Why not?

We have to make a deal now, okay? You can't ask where the idea was born and I can't tell you why I keep a sketchbook in the bathroom. eShake?

I hope everyone had a blessed Easter

2009-04-12T19:43:00.001-05:00

Molly and Tess sure did.

It's fun to flash your dogs when they don't expect it

2009-04-10T16:41:00.001-05:00

Happy Masters Eve

2009-04-08T19:26:00.003-05:00

Twas the night before The Masters, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.
The beer cans were stashed in the refrigerator with care,
In hopes that St. Nicklaus soon would be there.

The dogs were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of birdies danced in their heads.
And Molly in her spot, and I in my booze,
Had just settled down for a long spring's snooze.

When out on the range there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen dew
Gave the lustre of mid-day to a feeling so new.
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But an old crusty caddy, and ice, ice cold beer.

With a little old driver, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St Nick.
More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name!

"Now Phil! Now, Sandy! Now, Woosnam and Player!
On, Couples! On, Watson! On, on Vijay...even Tiger!
To the top of the leader board! To the top of the wall!
Now play away! Play away! Play away all!"

As azaleas that before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky.
So up to the top the coursers they flew,
With the bag full of hopes, and St Nicklaus too.

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on my cot
The scratching and clawing of each little shot.
As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
Down the fairway St Nicklaus came with a bound.

He was dressed all in plaid, from his foot to his hand,
And his clothes were all tarnished with divots and sand.
A bundle of shots he still had in his bag,
And he looked like a fiddler, just practicing his craft.

His eyes-how they twinkled! His swing how classic!
His cheeks were like roses, his strut was fantastic!
His demeanor was poised so we all could see,
And smile on his face was was as it should be.

The stump of a tee he held tight in his teeth,
And the crowd it encircled his group like a wreath.
He had a broad face and a little gray hair,
That blew in the wind, like a leaf in the air!

He filled all the holes, with long distance putts,
And finished his business, no ifs, ands or buts.
And laying his putter aside of his sack,
And giving a nod, and a tip of the cap!

He sprang to Butler Cabin, and the crowd gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
But I heard him exclaim, ‘ere he walked out of sight,
"Happy Masters to all, and to all a good-night!"

Golf weekend

2009-04-05T19:35:00.002-05:00

It all started with an early morning round that was too early for me on a Saturday, but I did it anyway. 7am. No playing partners. I'm so happy I did it. It was just me, the dew and solace.

Next was watching some pros play while drinking some$8 beers. I swear, if Fred Couples had won, the place would have been crazy! Boom Boom didn't win. It was some guy with a funny accent who took the title.

My only relief from the huge disappointment this afternoon is that it that we have entered the most most holy week in golf. Masters week. Oddly enough, it coincides with another Holy week, and I hope everyone had a great Palm Sunday.

Enjoy your week! I know I sure will.

The last thing I see before going to the bedroom

2009-04-05T01:36:00.001-05:00

Why do I do this?

2009-03-31T22:25:00.001-05:00

Tonight I was going through some old posts and clearing out all the drafts that never saw the light of day. There was one particular topic with numerous drafts that I was always unable to complete. Some attempts were just incoherent ramblings and others were just a sentence or two that were automatically saved. Tonight, it gets finished.

The internet is a strange place flooded with useless information and topless women. And yes, it is also flooded with sites you can visit to catch up on the latest escapades of people's pets. This is one of those places, but I'm pretty sure you already knew that. That leads me to the questions I've been asking myself for a little while...why do I do this? What's the point? Who cares?

Rewind 20 years. There was a kid out in West Texas with a brand new driver's license who wanted a dog. He'd been without one for a long, long time. Moves, a growing family and daily life made it impractical for him to have a dog since his beloved Daisy. This kid we are talking about used his new found freedom and his totally rad first car (ignore all the rust) to change his dog situation. He did.

The call came. A gentleman called and spoke to the kid's dad at length about a very special offer he was making. They had a litter of "worthless" puppies ready to leave his house and go live somewhere else. Guess who was listening to the entire conversation from the top of the stairs?

The next day, there was an announcement that the family would be getting a dog. Let's not beat around the bush here. That kid was me and I was being allowed to get one of the greatest gifts my parents had ever given me...a Dalmatian/Lasso Apso mix that was the ugliest, longest and shortest dog with weird looking legs you've ever seen, but he was all mine and his name was Deuce.

Deuce was truly one of a kind. He'd lay at the back door all day long while I was at school and his internal clock would tell him when it was time to move to the driveway to wait for my return. On warm Saturday mornings, he'd follow me around in circles while I cut the grass...until he got tired. Then Deuce would find a spot in the grass and park. Eventually, I'd have to stop mowing and get off the mower to move him from his comfortable spot so I could cut the long grass that was his temporary oasis.

That damned dog witnessed my first kiss. He witnessed me proclaim that my first beer was gross and that I'd never have another one again. Deuce was one of those dogs that was always around for the special moments and that is why his memory sticks with me to this day.

On Halloween, while in my senior year of high school, I was walking down the fairway of last hole of one of the challenge matches we had on the golf team when I saw my dad walk onto apron of the green as we walked up to finish the round. Seeing him there to watch me finish an everyday match was very unordinary. I just knew I was in trouble for something big, but didn't know for what.

It was a Wednesday, and I was not in trouble. We had a conversation and he told me that he came to see the finish before I had a chance to head home and couldn't find Deuce waiting for me in the driveway. Deuce was gone.

Today, there is a treasure I keep on my bookshelf. It is a copy of Where the Red Fern Grows with a note from my mom in the front. I still read the note often and still miss the dog with the funny looking legs.

Internet, meet Deuce. Deuce, meet the internet...

So, back to the question about why I do this. Thankfully it became clear this evening. I do this as a constant reminder of what is really important.

Thanks, Deuce. Molly and Tess would have loved to have known you.

A Golden weekend

2009-03-29T21:23:00.000-05:00

Molly and Tess had a house guest this weekend. Their middle bother came by for a visit! Can I tell you how much fun it was? One of life's most simple pleasures is watching a couple of your good buddies enjoy a couple days with one of their good buddies.

Sure, the details of the weekend are a bit blurry because it came and went so quickly. Maybe it was because I had such a great time or maybe it was because of the copious amount of adult beverages consumed. Whatever. The reason a weekend flies by are not as important as the people (and dogs) you spend it with and the lessons you learn.

I definitely learned some lessons this weekend. Maybe I should share?

Every good party begins with the right receiving line.
Every party ends with warming the fold out bed for your friends.
Molly may have some anger issues...and she might freak out those who aren't too familiar with her personality. Not me. I can kick her butt.
Mason is one good lookin' dog.
Tess does not really understand how windows work.
Molly is one good lookin' dog.
Tess is not always photogenic, but she makes up for it with snuggles.
Okay...Tess is one good lookin' dog too.

Usually after weekend parties like this I clean the house on Sunday and find all kinds of panties on the floor, random earrings on night stands, a drunk guy in the bath tub, one random stain on the floor and a few new footprints on the ceiling. This morning, after we said all the goodbyes to the strippers and flight attendants, I was only able to find one random thing left behind by a guest.

Like I said, the details are all sketchy, but the weekend sure was fun.

This is the post where I think I'm going crazy

2009-03-24T21:44:00.006-05:00

Some people see Jesus in a piece of burnt toast. Some see the Virgin Mary in some geological formation. Tonight was one of those moments for me.

Golden Retrievers have always been media whores. They love having their pictures used to sell one product or another that is aimed at those who hold traditional values and who, for the most part, stay out of trouble. Tonight, their thirst for attention took a turn they toward creepy.

I was in the garage taking the trash to the curb when I saw it. There was a moment when I had the phone in my hand calling the local orderlies in their white coats to come save me, but I thought that there was a slim chance that I was not seeing things.

Please note, there is no Photoshop involved here. I just set the camera to take a low light photo, stacked a up few coolers, put the camera on a tripod and hit the button. If I'm making this up, please call the proper authorities and notify my next of kin.

Golden Retreivers are media whores and they always will be. They will use light and and shaddows to advance their adgendas. Please tell me that I'm not crazy for seeing what I think I see right in the middle of the bag, just under the "A" in "MAX."

UPDATE: It has been brought to my attention that there are, infact, TWO...I repeat, TWO media whores in this possessed bag of insecticide. The second is at the top center looking down and to the right with those sad Golden eyes. It all reminds me of one of those cheesey Olin-Mills double exposure shots from the '80s.

Wild kingdom?

2009-03-24T20:01:00.003-05:00

Apparently, I have a bird now. Let's hope he finds his way home soon.

So far we've seen armadillos, a snake (God rest his soul,) a skunk family, coyotes and those evil squirrels.

This is proof positive that it is prudent to spend time outside enjoying adult beverages after work.

Sniffing butts

2009-03-22T20:52:00.002-05:00

Not sure who is more fearful, Molly or her new friend.

New office furniture

2009-03-22T12:13:00.001-05:00

For as long as I can remember, this priceless antique has been sitting in my parents house and for as long as I've been out of the house, I've been begging them for it. On this joyous day, my baby has finally come to live with Daddy! Help us welcome her into the family.

Sure, she needs some TLC, but I am looking forward to spending some time with my precious new addition giving her all the love and attention she deserves. With a little elbow grease, she will be back up on her throne faster than you can say "I need to see a man about a horse."

When her makeover is complete, she will join me at work and will be displayed prominently, maybe next to the life-sized terra cotta pig.

You might be wondering why I would want to keep her in a place where she will have to spend her nights and weekends all alone. First, she won't be alone. She'll have the pig there to regale her with stories of things he has seen, conversations he has overheard and the places he has been. Second, I firmly believe that every office should welcome feedback and constructive criticism. That said, there are times when it is best to convey questions or concerns anonymously.

I say this now without hesitation or regret...I love my new "Suggestion Box."

For less than the price of a cup of coffee...

2009-03-20T17:23:00.000-05:00

Done!

2009-03-19T18:33:00.000-05:00

After several failed attempts, my latest entry in my coloring book is finished...almost. Some digital touch ups are still needed, but for the most part, one thing has been crossed off my list.

There is nothing like spending a slow afternoon lost in a drawing.

A very simple proposal

2009-03-18T18:27:00.000-05:00

This has been a very curious week for me. I've been waking up on time, hopping in the shower and heading off to work at the appropriate time. My morning drives have been filled with one nagging question lingering in my mind. Until today, I didn't think I would ever be able to answer that one question weighing heavily on my heart.

About half way to work I achieved a moment of true enlightenment. The signs have been there all along, but until this morning, I had not been able to put all of the pieces together. Suddenly, it be came crystal clear, and I found inner peace.

My nagging question? Simple. Where the hell is all the normal traffic and why am I going to be early to work AGAIN? You see, I don't have children of my own (or at least none that I know about.) I never received a note from school that it was Spring Break! All of the soccer moms have given their mini-vans a rest for the week and getting to and from work has been a total delight.

I do have regrets though. With nirvana, also comes self awareness. I have wasted 3 days of a perfectly good Spring break...which brings me to my proposal.

In a time of great hope and change, it is time that we demand that working people also be given one week off across the board at a time when the weather is perfect. Seriously, who can even concentrate on work when it is 78 and sunny with low humidity? Think about it, all of your adult friends in other cities and states would converge and have one heck of a party. We could dust off the beer bong and that bottle of Jagermeister that has been in your freezer for who knows how long and go cruise for chicks in cars that are operational and well maintained.

Who's with me? Our path is clear. Our destiny within our grasp. Our future is now. Our collective resolve will not be shaken. The time for action is now and together we will, once again, make this a great nation. Say it with me now...

"Yes. We. Can."

Weekend introspection

2009-03-15T13:35:00.002-05:00

So, I had a weekend with little on the agenda besides cleaning out the garage. I had some time to sit alone with my thoughts and emotions. With all the news of doom and gloom lately, I thought it would be appropriate to share a list of some of my biggest fears. Here goes:

Making a hole-in-one while playing alone.
Serving ceviche for the first time and ending the party by having to drive all of the guests to the emergency room for food poisoning treatment.
Bird flu.
Our government getting so big that I feel like I have very little control of my own life. No. Wait. I think I'm getting pretty desensitized to that.
Trendy men's haircuts and tight fitting clothes.
Snakes. This would also include vampires and clowns.
Joel Osteen and that creepy wife of his.
Dogs wearing "outfits."
Last call.
Rainy Sundays and wet dogs. It sure is a good thing that water evaporates.

There you go. Those are my deepest, darkest fears. What are you scared of?

There was a dog fight in the garage tonight

2009-03-14T22:22:00.006-05:00

Fortunately, King Solomon was there to resolve the issue. They each got half and went on about their ways.

To be fair and balanced, Molly would also like some face time. She has been feeling a little neglected lately. Who would you say is meaner, real Molly or reflection Molly? The one on the left scares me a little.

What a fun night of pictures! I can finally open a myspace account now that I have the just the right picture.

Disregard the previous post

2009-03-12T21:05:00.003-05:00

Tess is going to stay right here.

She holds the only clue about how to attain invisibility. I'm going to try to market that.

Free to a good home

2009-02-22T01:16:00.003-06:00

New project

2009-02-12T21:40:00.007-06:00

So...I'm working on a "caricature" of a city skyline. Bonus points are available if you know the city and can name some of the buildings. You get double points if you can name the most difficult one for an Aggie to draw.

People used to write things in books when they gave them as gifts

2009-02-12T00:47:00.003-06:00

The copyright date in this book that I found in my new house dates back to days before there was a man on the moon. When was the last time you took the time to write someone? You'd better practice your penmanship if you want to leave a legacy!

Better late than never

2009-02-03T19:35:00.003-06:00

Tess turned 3 yesterday. Her magical transformation to a good dog is still pending. For now I will blame the backlog caused by the refinancing boom.

Set the bar high

2009-01-21T20:53:00.019-06:00

There has been lots of talk about what breed of dog the new first family would welcome into the most prime piece of real estate in the country. Let it be known that there is no doubt who made the best of one of the most critical decisions a president can make.

Were you thinking Reagan? Maybe Lincoln? Perhaps Washington? Wrong!

The best president thus far is Gerald Ford. Hands down. The evidence is indisputable.

Unrelated question...Does anyone know how much it might cost to have some ominous looking guy in a dark suit watch your dogs through the window while you play with them? I think I might want that.

Today is historic

2009-01-20T00:01:00.006-06:00

I don't care what they say on the news...the big news today is that it is Molly's 6th birthday. You can almost see the hope and change in her eyes.

I have to do this apparently

2008-12-10T21:33:00.007-06:00

It snowed in the Houston area today and blogger makes you post pictures of your animals in the snow.

First Ike, then Obama and now this? What is the world coming to? I'm moving to Canada.

That is all for now. I'm off to go do some looting.

I just....

2008-12-09T22:08:00.005-06:00

A. Told them about Santa
B. Flashed them
C. Both A and B
D. Possibly A, more likely B
E. Not a good test taker

XYZ...PDQ

2008-12-02T21:24:00.003-06:00

All is right with the world.

Because I feel like it...

2008-11-06T23:30:00.005-06:00

Redistribution ROCKS!!!

2008-10-27T20:06:00.011-05:00

There has been lots of talk lately about how best to "spread the wealth" around to make the playing field level once again. You work hard. You scratch and claw for everything you have and it is time get a piece of some of that greasy corporate loot.

While this is not a perfect offer (the evil Republicans want you to buy one Taquito to get one free,) it will have to do for now until we can affect some real change. Hang in there folks. If you vote the right way, there will be cheese burgers for everyone...not just for the wealthy.

What? You have never tasted the perfection that is a Whataburger? I am so sorry and I feel your pain. Together we can heal our collective souls and insure that no child ever has to go without knowing the taste of the fruit of our collective labor. Will you join with me? The time is now and our collective voices must be heard.

If you won't stand with us, you will be just like those bloodthirsty warmongers I had the unfortunate opportunity to share space with this past weekend.

Whataburger '08! (Jalapenos and/or cheese and/or bacon not included)

I will attempt to endorse a new candidate for president each day from now until the election and let you decide. As always your suggestions or helpful tips are welcome.

P.S. Don't try to print out a free Whataburger coupon for yourself and expect it to work. I think you need an original. Please be patient. Redistribution takes time. Those corporate a-holes will get theirs soon enough.

Seriously, they like each other even though they differ politically

2008-10-21T23:15:00.010-05:00

One is always right and one is always wrong. They never ask me for my opinion or helpful suggestions. It's just nice to know that it all works out in the end.

On a side note...I'll be feeding Molly her regular diet and will switch Tess to three bowls of HopeAndChange every day. Who will get hungry first? Great question...

Molly '08.

America depends on you!

Because I have internet at home again...

2008-10-14T21:18:00.002-05:00

...I thought I'd share what sort of things have been going on.

A special credit to the author of the video goes here.

The stick that Tess would not chase

2008-09-24T19:17:00.002-05:00

I'm patiently waiting for my FEMA debit card...

The conventions are over!

2008-09-04T23:33:00.005-05:00

That was fun. I feel very comfortable no matter who we elect because we are "saved" (or screwed) either way. For those of you who don't feel the need to be saved or rescued, may I be so bold as to suggest another ticket?

They aren't looking through the back door at nothing...they are looking towards the future awaiting the next proud American who walks in the back door.

UFO sighting

2008-07-23T20:27:00.005-05:00

I never thought it would happen to me, but I captured some grainy images of a UFO that flew around the back yard for a while tonight.

Tess seemed to enjoy toying around with the visitor's technology. At first she was just trying to catch it, but it turns out that the aliens aren't smart enough for her. They tried to run her into a tree...unsuccessfully. It was then that she showed them the behind the back move with a half tail swish and also her pattented spread eagle move.

Who knew that cleaning out a garage and finding some Frisbees would attract UFOs? Guess who is passed out on the floor right now? If you said Molly, you'd be half right.

My thought for the day

2008-07-22T20:58:00.004-05:00

A special thanks to the USGA for the free note pad. It was very helpful.

In other news...Tess is still a butt head and Molly is still an angel.

"Finished"

2008-06-07T00:15:00.001-05:00

Getting close to the finish line

2008-06-06T23:39:00.004-05:00

Waiting on my resident art critic to let me know when I'm done. The sniff test is always the hardest one.

Don't drink and draw...please

2008-06-06T21:31:00.002-05:00

Friday night and this young stud is getting some things taken care of. I'm going to get this drawing that has been plaguing me done tonight if it kills me! I'm not sure why I've never been able to finish it or why I have not had a desire to. Initially it was supposed to be a pencil sketch, but tonight I got the inspiration to finish it in ink. I blame the cold beer and the fact that it is Friday...

So you think you want to mess with a bull?

2008-06-03T19:25:00.003-05:00

Just remember that you'll usually get the horns.

Possession is nine tenths of the law

2008-05-23T18:38:00.003-05:00

I'd really like to help you out on this one Molly, but my hands are tied. You'll know better next time.

Six random things about (my girls)

2008-05-19T21:10:00.002-05:00

I just clicked over to Duly Inspired's spot and was given a project...to write about six random things about my girls. I trust Cheyenne will forgive me for my lack of punctuality on the project. Here goes...

Tess can fly, but only because she makes it a point to be happy each and every morning, noon and night.
Molly is very suspicious and thinks there may have been another woman in my past.
Tess likes stories.
Molly likes to be amazing, or amazed or just a downright damn good dog.
Tess is a little embarrassed that she didn't come out of the womb knowing how to swim and had to be rescued a time or two. Molly just wants to know when the next boat is leaving so she can go track it down.
At the end of the day, Molly could care less about who is the most famous, rich or otherwise self important. The balls all come back to that dude on the porch with that thing that makes clicking noises sometimes. Tess is a spaz an is a little less subtle, but will still appear interested momentarily in whatever big deal you did that day. Then, it's time to throw more balls.

Random is fun...

Rage is hard to photograph

2008-05-12T19:57:00.003-05:00

This is the dog I trust unconditionally around children and liberals? When asked for comments on her bone night experience, Tess could only muster an "OMG, WTF?"

Too much Tess talk

2008-04-30T21:45:00.005-05:00

Molly needs love too. Break out your air double bass, mandolin, banjo or guitar and sing along...I'll be on the tennis racket fiddle using a golf club as a bow. It's time we got the band back together.

I hope she will say yes this time.

How often do you floss?

2008-04-22T20:50:00.005-05:00

I have ways of finding out! Seriously...there is no need to lie. The inspection is always very thorough.

When asked for comments on why she is so annoying, Tess was unavailable. And to think...as vicious as Molly is, she just laid there, showed some teeth and went right back to sleep after this little session was over.

Tess, as clueless as ever, still wonders what she did that was so annoying.

Yes, Tess likes balls

2008-04-19T19:19:00.010-05:00

It's been a while since I've broken out the camera for taking some hard core dog action shots. I got a call early this morning that we've all been expecting for about a month and it inspired me to turn to my resident therapists for some guidance. One therapist in particular took some good shots. The other therapist spent most of her day glued to my side...only making cameo appearances in some of the pictures below.

So, here goes...I'm going to forgo doctor patient confidentiality and reveal some things that happened in my therapy session today.

It all started with a lesson in levitation. Then, Tess jumped out of her shadow. Sure, Tess catches some and drops some. I'll forgive her for the drops. She has great style, even in failure. Faced with a brick wall, does Tess back down? Hell no! Balls are sacred and should never touch the ground.

After I got the ball stuck on the roof, I had to go in and get another one. I got some of my favorite shots of Tess after the ball change.

Towards the end of the therapy session the light got just right. What do you think dogs think about at this moment? Ball,ball, ball, ball!

I had one more toss left in me before it was time to go back in to see what I'd captured. I'm so glad there was one toss left in me. Tess didn't catch this one. It bounced in her mouth and ricocheted across the back porch. My only thought...please let the camera catch what I think I just saw. It did.

Slobbery tennis balls explained and therapy session concluded.

It's important to note that while not a part of the action, Molly is still glued to my side while I write this. It's funny how she just "knows." I think Molly would also like for me to add that she can kick Tess' butt in the water.

Looks like somebody needs a vacation

2008-04-15T18:54:00.003-05:00

Come on Mols....Is it really that hard to kick Tess' butt?

Reading some Golden stuff tonight...

2008-04-09T22:26:00.004-05:00

I came across this post. I don't know Emma. Never met Abby. I'll bet you a dollar though that they will become good buddies.

Anyone care to take me up on the bet? Yea...I didn't think so! My theory is proven once again.

Something I learned today

2008-03-11T23:05:00.002-05:00

A sign on the freeway that says "Limited sight distance" actually should say "Cop with a radar gun waiting just over the hill."

Fashion

2008-03-08T23:01:00.005-06:00

Girls, please make sure you purse matches your shoes. Guys, try to at least match your shoes with your belt. If that doesn't work...at least make sure your shoes match your dogs.

When sunny morings turn into rainy afternoons

2008-03-06T17:27:00.002-06:00

I saw the clouds roll in and somehow knew what I'd come home to find...

The torture must stop

2008-03-05T17:26:00.003-06:00

Work, eat, sleep and repeat

2008-03-03T18:14:00.002-06:00

Sorry it's been quite on this end. I really don't have anything new to report...same old, same old! Well, I guess that isn't entirely true. I had a great moment of clarity on Saturday afternoon and made a very important decision to walk down a new and uncharted path. It's pretty exciting really.

Things I've learned from my dogs

2008-02-16T19:55:00.005-06:00

You don't always have to accomplish tasks in a conventional manner. Getting the job done is what is important.
It is perfectly acceptable to come right out and tell someone that you are fond of them.
Naps are good things and should be taken advantage of whenever possible.
Lots of things happen during the course of a normal day. Come 5:00, be ready to put it all down and enjoy what life has to offer.
When all else fails, smile. Its so much easier to be happy.
Squirrels must die. Don't really know why that made the list, but apparently this is something very important to them.
Be patient with others (squirrels excluded.)
Take time to soak up your surroundings. Enjoy the day. We only get one shot at life.
If the sun is out, the best place to be is outside.
Sometimes the best thing you can do for someone is to just be there.
Life is not complicated if you have your priorities straight.
Its better to give than to retrieve.
When you screw up, own up to it immediately while trying to look as guilty and as sorry as possible.
Regular exercise is for the birds. Regular playing is where it's at.
Finally, never forget who you are and what you are all about.

Tonight's date plans

2008-02-14T18:25:00.004-06:00

We'll start of with a lot of heavy petting and just get that part out of the way early. Then, we will dine together at home. After our dinner settles, a long walk through the park, washed in the glow of a romantic moon. Then, it's back to the house for some snuggling on the couch. More heavy petting. When the time is right, I'll suggest that we take the party in the bedroom and drift off to dream together. I wonder if I'll get lucky...by not waking up with Tess' butt in my face?

The Oprah Store?

2008-02-08T18:03:00.000-06:00

I just looked at Drudge and apparently O has a store now.

Store = yes. Shame = no.

Hmmm

2008-02-07T19:44:00.000-06:00

Something very interesting happened yesterday. All I'm at liberty to reveal at this point is that it involved a Golden named Duke.

The redder the better

2008-02-05T17:49:00.000-06:00

This morning I got to work and checked my email and found a survey I've been waiting for in my inbox. Surveys are usually very boring, but this one was like no other I've every seen. It actually made me laugh. Great way to start the morning!

Can you just picture a survey crew out detailing and documenting the presence of junk cars on our project's property. I mean, who do they pay to track down the make, model and year of a junk car? They even made the effort to document the fact that there is a mean dog in the area. I'll close with some words of wisdom from David Allen Coe..."If that aint Country, I'll kiss your ass."

Note to self...propose 8' privacy fence!

Don't forget

2008-02-03T16:17:00.000-06:00

When the game gets boring tonight, there is always the Puppy Bowl on Animal Planet! Vote for Dixie!!!

Super Bowl Eve

2008-02-02T16:12:00.000-06:00

For me, Super Bowl Sunday is a lot like New Years Eve. You go through a ton of planning and preparation in anticipation of a great party. Then when the day comes it is always a let down and you wake up the next day with a splitting headache. The only difference between The Super Bowl and New Years is that you get the day off after your New Years bash. Super Bowl is ALWAYS on a school night.

This year I'm sitting it out and might go get myself the biggest steak I can find and spend the day with my girls. I might even turn on the game to see how unhappy Eli looks.

Tess the terror turns two today

2008-02-02T00:14:00.000-06:00

She steals my socks when I'm not watching. She digs giant holes in the back yard, but usually finds something. She loves nothing more than to wake me up in the middle of the night because she is feeling needy. She has that fire in her belly to retrieve and will work until she physically can't take another step to bring me whatever I throw.

Tess is my beauty queen and non-conformist. She is not too concerned with politics or the economy. She keeps me in the right place when worldly things try to frustrate me. It has been said that all she hears in her head is the song "I'm Walking on Sunshine" on constant repeat. I tend to believe that.

Miss Tess, you only have one more year until you are a "good" dog, but I think you are fine just the way you are. Thanks for blessing me with your exuberance.

An old saying is proven once again

2008-01-30T17:59:00.000-06:00

I'm sure you know of the old saying that say only fools repeatedly fail at something by trying the same thing and expect a different result each time...or something along those lines.

Today was UPS's third attempt to deliver me a package at home between 2 and 5. The sticky note on my door said that tomorrow would be their fourth and final attempt. Guess what time they said they'd be back tomorrow? If you guessed between 2 and 5, give yourself a pat on the back.

Fortunately they left me a local direct number to call today. I called and changed the shipping address to my office fairly painlessly. "What can Brown do for you?" Good question.

Update: Guess where Brown attempted the final delivery today between 2 and 5? Bonus question...Guess whose blood is boiling?

Update #2: Don't believe they guy with the white board. Sure, he is a great on the spot artist, but he doesn't know the first thing about the process of rerouting packages. I do enjoy how he is able to make it look so easy though. My next day package is now 8 days late and I can't find it anywhere!

This is where I slap my forehead

2008-01-29T20:11:00.000-06:00

Remember this post? The one about the key from Vegas that Tess dug out of the back yard?

Last week I got an email with a link to this from eBay. Scroll down and read the description. It is fascinating. I'll be damned if it isn't the same address on the key that my "treasure hunter" found. Are you kidding me? $175 opening bid? I sure wish I hadn't put it in the trash!

I skipped trash day last week because I was gone, so it's probably still around...do I have to go dumpster diving tomorrow night? Have Dremmel...will polish. Maybe the person who posted that key on eBay will take it off my hands at a deeply discounted price of 100 bucks. Everything must go. It's tax time and we must liquidate everything!

This just came in the Just Golden mail bag

2008-01-29T18:24:00.000-06:00

I had to share...

Fifteen reasons why men have 2 dogs and not 2 wives:

1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.

2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

4. A dog's parents never visit.

5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

6. Dogs like to do their snooping outside rather than in your wallet or desk.

7. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.

8. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.

9. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

10. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, 'If I died, would you get another dog?'

11. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

12. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.

13. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.

14. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.

And last, but not least:

15. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff

Thanks, Buttheads!