Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Free entertainment

Tired of reading about Paris Hilton the ongoing saga that is Brittney while waiting to check out at the grocery store? Have I got a fun game for you!

You'll first need to go pick out the 10 items on your list and then head to the check-out lane. 95% of the time the express lane will be a mile long, you want to avoid that isle...its a scam to get you to buy batteries or some other convenience item they have placed at the check-out. You'll have to get in the regular line behind the soccer mom talking on her phone while ignoring her screaming children. Eventually she will start putting her groceries on the conveyor belt.

I know you only have 10 items to purchase and already have your bank card and grocery store card out of your wallet or purse to insure a speedy checkout. Soccer mom has a basket full of Lunchables and juice boxes and other assorted prepared food. Soccer mom cannot be troubled to prepare for checking out. She is on an important call. Remember?

This is where the fun starts...wait for her to get her basket unloaded (the conveyor belt will likely be full at this point.) As the checker scans items, belt will automatically creep forward. You are next in line! Be patient. Allow the conveyor to creep so there is about 18-24" between her stuff and yours. You may then start placing items on the conveyor.

I know you will be tempted to reach for the "Place Between Orders" stick, but don't. Soccer mom's stuff is in a nice consolidated pile...and so is yours. There is no question that your groceries are not a part of her lot. Let "The Conveyor Belt of Impending Doom" work its blessed magic.

Soccer mom will start to get nervous when she notices that no barrier has been placed between orders. Her breathing will quicken when there are about 8 items left until her transaction is complete. The beeping of the scanner will continue and that conveyor belt will continue to creep. Your stuff is getting closer to the finish line!

Soccer mom will snap at this point. She will start experiencing life in slow motion. Her phone conversation will go quiet, her children's screams will go silent. Soccer mom WILL reach for the "Place Between Orders" bar and slam it down like a judge's gavel. Her children's Harry Potter Spaghettios must not be confused with your meager purchase.

She still won't be prepared to pay for her loot, but it sure is fun to passive aggressively throw a wrench into her shopping experience. Try it sometime. I dare you!

Be careful after you get in the car to go home though, our beloved soccer mom is still on the phone. She is still oblivious to people around her and there is the latest children's DVD playing in the grocery-getter. Advanced scholars of human anthropology know that driving close to soccer mom on the way home from the store is another opportunity for experiments in human behavior, but I request (please) that only only experts attempt any passive non-verbal communication with her.


Burg said...

I can't wait to try this one.

Duly Inspired said...

You need to be careful that Soccer Mom does not run you over in the parking lot with her Hummer as she's reaching for her Chai Tea Double Foam fat free something or other, phone still in ear.

Woodrow said...

I too am easily amused and can't wait to try that one.