Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Why do I do this?

Tonight I was going through some old posts and clearing out all the drafts that never saw the light of day. There was one particular topic with numerous drafts that I was always unable to complete. Some attempts were just incoherent ramblings and others were just a sentence or two that were automatically saved. Tonight, it gets finished.

The internet is a strange place flooded with useless information and topless women. And yes, it is also flooded with sites you can visit to catch up on the latest escapades of people's pets. This is one of those places, but I'm pretty sure you already knew that. That leads me to the questions I've been asking myself for a little while...why do I do this? What's the point? Who cares?

Rewind 20 years. There was a kid out in West Texas with a brand new driver's license who wanted a dog. He'd been without one for a long, long time. Moves, a growing family and daily life made it impractical for him to have a dog since his beloved Daisy. This kid we are talking about used his new found freedom and his totally rad first car (ignore all the rust) to change his dog situation. He did.

The call came. A gentleman called and spoke to the kid's dad at length about a very special offer he was making. They had a litter of "worthless" puppies ready to leave his house and go live somewhere else. Guess who was listening to the entire conversation from the top of the stairs?

The next day, there was an announcement that the family would be getting a dog. Let's not beat around the bush here. That kid was me and I was being allowed to get one of the greatest gifts my parents had ever given me...a Dalmatian/Lasso Apso mix that was the ugliest, longest and shortest dog with weird looking legs you've ever seen, but he was all mine and his name was Deuce.

Deuce was truly one of a kind. He'd lay at the back door all day long while I was at school and his internal clock would tell him when it was time to move to the driveway to wait for my return. On warm Saturday mornings, he'd follow me around in circles while I cut the grass...until he got tired. Then Deuce would find a spot in the grass and park. Eventually, I'd have to stop mowing and get off the mower to move him from his comfortable spot so I could cut the long grass that was his temporary oasis.

That damned dog witnessed my first kiss. He witnessed me proclaim that my first beer was gross and that I'd never have another one again. Deuce was one of those dogs that was always around for the special moments and that is why his memory sticks with me to this day.

On Halloween, while in my senior year of high school, I was walking down the fairway of last hole of one of the challenge matches we had on the golf team when I saw my dad walk onto apron of the green as we walked up to finish the round. Seeing him there to watch me finish an everyday match was very unordinary. I just knew I was in trouble for something big, but didn't know for what.

It was a Wednesday, and I was not in trouble. We had a conversation and he told me that he came to see the finish before I had a chance to head home and couldn't find Deuce waiting for me in the driveway. Deuce was gone.

Today, there is a treasure I keep on my bookshelf. It is a copy of Where the Red Fern Grows with a note from my mom in the front. I still read the note often and still miss the dog with the funny looking legs.

Internet, meet Deuce. Deuce, meet the internet...

So, back to the question about why I do this. Thankfully it became clear this evening. I do this as a constant reminder of what is really important.

Thanks, Deuce. Molly and Tess would have loved to have known you.

Sunday, March 29, 2009

A Golden weekend

Molly and Tess had a house guest this weekend. Their middle bother came by for a visit! Can I tell you how much fun it was? One of life's most simple pleasures is watching a couple of your good buddies enjoy a couple days with one of their good buddies.

Sure, the details of the weekend are a bit blurry because it came and went so quickly. Maybe it was because I had such a great time or maybe it was because of the copious amount of adult beverages consumed. Whatever. The reason a weekend flies by are not as important as the people (and dogs) you spend it with and the lessons you learn.

I definitely learned some lessons this weekend. Maybe I should share?
Usually after weekend parties like this I clean the house on Sunday and find all kinds of panties on the floor, random earrings on night stands, a drunk guy in the bath tub, one random stain on the floor and a few new footprints on the ceiling. This morning, after we said all the goodbyes to the strippers and flight attendants, I was only able to find one random thing left behind by a guest.

Like I said, the details are all sketchy, but the weekend sure was fun.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

This is the post where I think I'm going crazy

Some people see Jesus in a piece of burnt toast. Some see the Virgin Mary in some geological formation. Tonight was one of those moments for me.

Golden Retrievers have always been media whores. They love having their pictures used to sell one product or another that is aimed at those who hold traditional values and who, for the most part, stay out of trouble. Tonight, their thirst for attention took a turn they toward creepy.

I was in the garage taking the trash to the curb when I saw it. There was a moment when I had the phone in my hand calling the local orderlies in their white coats to come save me, but I thought that there was a slim chance that I was not seeing things.

Please note, there is no Photoshop involved here. I just set the camera to take a low light photo, stacked a up few coolers, put the camera on a tripod and hit the button. If I'm making this up, please call the proper authorities and notify my next of kin.

Golden Retreivers are media whores and they always will be. They will use light and and shaddows to advance their adgendas. Please tell me that I'm not crazy for seeing what I think I see right in the middle of the bag, just under the "A" in "MAX."

UPDATE: It has been brought to my attention that there are, infact, TWO...I repeat, TWO media whores in this possessed bag of insecticide. The second is at the top center looking down and to the right with those sad Golden eyes. It all reminds me of one of those cheesey Olin-Mills double exposure shots from the '80s.

Wild kingdom?

Apparently, I have a bird now. Let's hope he finds his way home soon.

So far we've seen armadillos, a snake (God rest his soul,) a skunk family, coyotes and those evil squirrels.

This is proof positive that it is prudent to spend time outside enjoying adult beverages after work.

Sunday, March 22, 2009

Sniffing butts

Not sure who is more fearful, Molly or her new friend.

New office furniture

For as long as I can remember, this priceless antique has been sitting in my parents house and for as long as I've been out of the house, I've been begging them for it. On this joyous day, my baby has finally come to live with Daddy! Help us welcome her into the family.

Sure, she needs some TLC, but I am looking forward to spending some time with my precious new addition giving her all the love and attention she deserves. With a little elbow grease, she will be back up on her throne faster than you can say "I need to see a man about a horse."

When her makeover is complete, she will join me at work and will be displayed prominently, maybe next to the life-sized terra cotta pig.

You might be wondering why I would want to keep her in a place where she will have to spend her nights and weekends all alone. First, she won't be alone. She'll have the pig there to regale her with stories of things he has seen, conversations he has overheard and the places he has been. Second, I firmly believe that every office should welcome feedback and constructive criticism. That said, there are times when it is best to convey questions or concerns anonymously.

I say this now without hesitation or regret...I love my new "Suggestion Box."

Thursday, March 19, 2009


After several failed attempts, my latest entry in my coloring book is finished...almost. Some digital touch ups are still needed, but for the most part, one thing has been crossed off my list.

There is nothing like spending a slow afternoon lost in a drawing.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

A very simple proposal

This has been a very curious week for me. I've been waking up on time, hopping in the shower and heading off to work at the appropriate time. My morning drives have been filled with one nagging question lingering in my mind. Until today, I didn't think I would ever be able to answer that one question weighing heavily on my heart.

About half way to work I achieved a moment of true enlightenment. The signs have been there all along, but until this morning, I had not been able to put all of the pieces together. Suddenly, it be came crystal clear, and I found inner peace.

My nagging question? Simple. Where the hell is all the normal traffic and why am I going to be early to work AGAIN? You see, I don't have children of my own (or at least none that I know about.) I never received a note from school that it was Spring Break! All of the soccer moms have given their mini-vans a rest for the week and getting to and from work has been a total delight.

I do have regrets though. With nirvana, also comes self awareness. I have wasted 3 days of a perfectly good Spring break...which brings me to my proposal.

In a time of great hope and change, it is time that we demand that working people also be given one week off across the board at a time when the weather is perfect. Seriously, who can even concentrate on work when it is 78 and sunny with low humidity? Think about it, all of your adult friends in other cities and states would converge and have one heck of a party. We could dust off the beer bong and that bottle of Jagermeister that has been in your freezer for who knows how long and go cruise for chicks in cars that are operational and well maintained.

Who's with me? Our path is clear. Our destiny within our grasp. Our future is now. Our collective resolve will not be shaken. The time for action is now and together we will, once again, make this a great nation. Say it with me now...

"Yes. We. Can."

Sunday, March 15, 2009

Weekend introspection

So, I had a weekend with little on the agenda besides cleaning out the garage. I had some time to sit alone with my thoughts and emotions. With all the news of doom and gloom lately, I thought it would be appropriate to share a list of some of my biggest fears. Here goes:
  1. Making a hole-in-one while playing alone.
  2. Serving ceviche for the first time and ending the party by having to drive all of the guests to the emergency room for food poisoning treatment.
  3. Bird flu.
  4. Our government getting so big that I feel like I have very little control of my own life. No. Wait. I think I'm getting pretty desensitized to that.
  5. Trendy men's haircuts and tight fitting clothes.
  6. Snakes. This would also include vampires and clowns.
  7. Joel Osteen and that creepy wife of his.
  8. Dogs wearing "outfits."
  9. Last call.
  10. Rainy Sundays and wet dogs. It sure is a good thing that water evaporates.
There you go. Those are my deepest, darkest fears. What are you scared of?

Saturday, March 14, 2009

There was a dog fight in the garage tonight

Fortunately, King Solomon was there to resolve the issue. They each got half and went on about their ways.

To be fair and balanced, Molly would also like some face time. She has been feeling a little neglected lately. Who would you say is meaner, real Molly or reflection Molly? The one on the left scares me a little.

What a fun night of pictures! I can finally open a myspace account now that I have the just the right picture.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Disregard the previous post

Tess is going to stay right here.

She holds the only clue about how to attain invisibility. I'm going to try to market that.