Sunday, April 30, 2006

Throw away the receipt

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I guess she works. She's actually been retrieving for a few weeks, but this was the first time I caught it on camera. Special thanks to Molly are in order for being patient inside while I caught this stunning footage.

Enron Field:Minute Maid Park as Reliant Stadium:_________

Crappy Photoshop, I know. It was a beautiful day and there were better things to do than worry about the Texans or spend too much time on the computer.

Saturday, April 29, 2006


"Whew. I'm so glad you came back outside. Four big dogs broke into the back yard and forced me to dig a big hole in the mud and then they made me roll around in it. It was awful."

Hmmm, I'd like to believe your story, Tess, but I'm going to ask Molly what really happened.

"Yep. What she said. That's exactly what I remember. I tried to help her, but those other dogs were just too big and strong. They even made me help dig. Can we install an alarm system so this never happens again?"

Yea, I'll get right on it.

Friday, April 28, 2006

May Day protests

I'm sure the news on Monday will be all about the walk out aimed at crippling the economy for a day. I'd like to get in on the action before they shut down the internet. Here goes.

I work in the landscape industry. Guess what? There are a lot of Mexicans who have chosen the same line of work. Shocking, I know. 75% of the time, I'm locked in my comfortable, air conditioned office coloring pretty pictures, the other 25% I spend in the trenches with our crews directing traffic, berating our foremen for not being able to read my mind, eating lunch from taco trucks and relieving myself in port-a-cans. That said, I know a thing or two about the immigration situation.

I'll begin the rant by saying that most of our guys have been with us for at least 3 years. They truly are the hardest working men I've ever known. Yesterday, I learned that they were thinking about joining the walk-out to intentionally bite the hand that feeds them. You see, our guys aren't undocumented immigrants. They all have "Social Security cards" and "Green Cards."

I know all their "documents" are fake. But take heart dear tax payer reading this, they all pay their taxes as prescribed by the IRS, just like you. No cash under the table...even if it would mean that I'd be able to afford a Jeep as a second car, but I digress.

We had a meeting last night over how to handle the situation if they did decide to walk out on Monday. Our position is this: Go ahead. Take the day off. Protest. Enjoy many more days off too. You won't have a job here after the protest. I got the nod to have the heart-to-heart with them this morning to explain what was up.

6:45 I was at the office. At about 7 they all started rolling in. By 7:15 everyone was wondering why I was there so early. Everyone knew something was up. "No, don't hitch up just yet. Step inside. We need to talk."

The theme of the ensuing conversation was all about mutual respect. We can't make any money without them. They can't make any money without us. We've tried hiring Americans to do the work our guys do...they usually last about 3 days before they go MIA.

Here is how we left it...Y'all work so hard for us and you can count on us working just as hard for you when and IF anything is done beyond saber rattling from both political parties.

One thing you can count on...there is one company that requires all its employees to pay taxes just like all of us working Joes. They all know they are operating outside the law. Falsifying federal documents is a felony, and I have them all scanned into my computer.

I'll bet you all a dollar that nothing substantial will be done about it. Its hurting all of us. Write, call and email your elected officials and give them a piece of your mind. I'm willing to take a hit on the bottom line if you are willing to harass your Congressmen and Senators.

End rant. How about a picture of Tess-a-mess?

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Deep Thoughts #1

"Come here, Bone. Come on. You can do it. Come here good ole bone. You know this one. Don't make me come over there. One more time. Bone, COME. Fine then, screw you, I'm going to go love on Molly. You had your chance."

Payback's a sumbitch.

It still gives me chills

I used to think only R&B singers and Roseanne Barr could butcher our National Anthem. Even so, I still get chills when any singer gets to "And the rockets red glare..." This version gives me chills too, but not the good kind.

And for the record, Molly and Tess have written their elected officials to let them know how they feel. Have you?

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Breakfast, its what's for dinner

As the winner of "The Next Food Network Star," I think it would be appropriate to share a time tested recipe that works great for breakfast, even better for dinner and the ultimate "impress your drunk friends" late night snack. It is the frittata.

Start with the frozen fajita mix with onion, green bell peppers and red bell peppers. Saute in some olive oil while you go back to the freezer for the shredded (not cubed) hashbrowns. Chunk those in the saute pan as well. Let everything thaw out and start to get some color.

Next, the eggs. Crack enough to fill the pan about an inch or so. A little salt, pepper and some hot sauce into them is just what the doctor ordered.

Now turn on the broiler. This step will be helpful later.

Dump the eggs in the pan and stir like hell for a few seconds. You should be on medium/low heat by now. Then, my favorite part...sit back, drink your o.j., cold beer, or Jagermiester...depending on the time of day.

When the bottom of the frittata begins to turn brown, pop it under the broiler and let the uncooked part of the goodness to cook through. This usually takes about half a beer and two stories from that friend that talks too much (story times may vary.) After all the eggs on top have cooked through, remove from under the broiler. IMPORTANT: the handle is very hot! Don't worry though, its a mistake you will only make once.

Let it cool for a couple minutes and place a plate upside-down on the pan. Then flip both plate and pan over so the top side of the frittata is now on the bottom. IMPORTANT: the handle is still very hot. OK, I lied, you'll do it twice, but medical technology today is doing wonders for burn victims these days.

You should be looking at a perfectly round piece of golden goodness. Cut into wedges and serve. The best part is, it took you longer to read this than it does to prepare the dish and you come out looking like a well seasoned chef.

That's all my time. Hope you enjoy!

Monday, April 24, 2006

The hippies next door

This weekend I went out of town to help a friend move and drink some cold beer. Wait, let me rephrase. This weekend I went out of town to drink some cold beer and help a friend move. That's better.

Anyway, at one point in the weekend we talked about the hippies that just moved in next door. I regaled them with stories about the Birkenstocks, the slew of bikes they rode around, their trips into Houston to shop at Whole Foods and their recycling bin that overfloweth.

Little did I know that when I was away they were busy setting up an elaborate system of nylon line all over their back yard. Upon my return I was greeted by Mrs. Hippies panties clearly visible from my back porch. Now, I know what you're wanting to ask..."Aren't hemp panties, umm, well, just a bit itchy?" Apparently, that is precisely the reason why hippies don't shave. They need a protective buffer.

Now I'm all for energy conservation. If the engineers at an American automaker can figure out how to build an SUV with room for 2 dog kennels, a cooler, my weekend luggage AND get 50 miles to the gallon without making the sticker price just a "bargain" for the mathematically challenged, sign me up!

I guess the point I'm trying to make is this: Mr. and Mrs. Hippie, I applaud your efforts with energy conservation, but we heathens don't want to look at your drawers on a Sunday afternoon any more than we want to see your bed sheets on Monday. I could make a phone call and have it removed, but I'll leave that up to the retired couple on the other side of them. Otherwise, at our next Sunday get together I'll ask them just lower it so I don't have to look at it.

Until then, I'll be in the mood to smoke some meat every night. Mmmmm, ribs....

Thursday, April 20, 2006

1 out of 2

Back when I created this little corner of the internet (thanks by the way, Mr. Gore), I intended on posting some things about dogs, but also some of my sketch work. The dog part I've lived up to. Sketching, not so much.

Truth be told, I really haven't been feeling like doing any. Sure, I still do plenty of it at work...but its work. Don't get me wrong, I love what I do. It hardly feels like "work." But all the drawing I've done lately has been accompanied by a deadline. Where is the fun in that?

Tonight, I started a new project based on this photo. Reflections are a pain to capture. I hope I'm up to it!

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Daily game of grab-ass

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I've been wanting to get some video up for a while. Here is a first attempt. This is what its like for about 2 hours after I get home from work. Fortunately, after that time, I'm rewarded with about 2 hours of peace and quiet.

Q: Are they always that wound up?
A: Only when they're awake.

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

For when your lefty friends are out protesting

I, like you, often get very lonely when all my left-leaning friends are away doing whatever it is that they do. I came across this little chat application so you can talk to and automated liberal to fill the void on those long, dark, lonely nights. Happy chatting!

Monday, April 17, 2006


Molly's flashbulb eyes are green
and Tess' are blue.
Molly's a butthead
and Tess is too.

Well, Spring, it was nice knowin' ya

After work today, I started the car and looked up at the thermometer on my rear-view. 102. wasn't entirely accurate because my car is black and had been sitting in the parking lot since lunch. By the time I hit the interstate, the reading had dropped to a chilly 96. Here we go again!

That reminds me, I need to add Gold Bond to the shopping list this week.

Maybe I shoud look for a two for one deal. One for everyday use and one for my hurricane/rolling blackout kit.

Saturday, April 15, 2006

A moment of Peace

Y'all have a great Easter. I can't wait to get up and hide some Easter bones!

Thursday, April 13, 2006

Back by popular demand

Well, the ice cream man finally stopped bugging me and there is nothing on TV, so here goes another dog barrage. Tonight's subject: Teeth, and why you shouldn't try to break into my house. Here goes...

Reason number 1: Tess doesn't like it if you go near her hole.

Reason number 2: Molly doesn't like it when Tess goes near Tess' hole.

Reason number 3: Those teeth are very sharp.

Reason number 4: There are two sets of teeth.

This concludes the "why criminals don't want my TV" post. Maybe tomorrow I'll post about why they shouldn't take the bones I bring home and why they just might get away with it.

They're baaaaack

After work I enjoy sitting on the back porch with an adult beverage to just chill out for about an hour. This evening started out like any other. The beer was cold, the dogs were jacking around and everything seemed normal. It was then that I heard it. "All around the mulberry bush, the monkey chased the weasel..." Over and over and over and over.

Call me a grumpy old man, I don't care. I have this thing when it comes to ice cream trucks. Maybe it stems from childhood memories of not being able to go running after a moving vehicle until after my homework was done. Maybe its because I'm not a huge fan of sweets. Or maybe, just maybe, its because of the incessant repetition of the same annoying song when I'm trying to relax outside after a long day.

Hey kids, I'll make you a deal. You can keep your ice cream trucks on three conditions. One, the music has to go. I know its how they advertise that they are in the area, but you are kids, you have nothing better to do than to sit out side and watch for them. Two, the adults get to have beer trucks driving around playing good Texas music with women in bikinis selling their wares. And three, hide your eye when you see afore mentioned beer truck. This is a family oriented neighborhood after all.

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Holy crap!

Two o'clock rolled around today and I was dragging a little, so I thought I'd go get some coffee and a little fresh air on the way to Starbucks.

There were two ladies in front of me. (Stage One anger level) They were finding it quite difficult deciding on what to order, but both settled on something that takes longer to order than it does to drink. (Stage Two anger level) The ensuing argument about who was going to pick up the check. (Stage Three anger level) Apparently the pastries at this particular store are passed the expiration date, so they are giving them away (another decision for the lovely ladies to make.)

Finally I ordered my simple cup of coffee, black. I must have looked VERY pissed because the cashier told me that she was sorry for the wait and that this one was on the house. On the house? At Starbucks? For a long wait?

I have now officially seen it all.

Monday, April 10, 2006

Boot camp begins

"All my good dogs, COME!"

Yep, just what I expected. Obedience training began tonight for the little grunt. After a nice long walk off the leash to burn off some energy, I put it around her neck and started walking around in the back yard. After she figured out that any struggle was futile, she did pretty good. Not bad for a first day under the iron fist of her drill sergeant.

She's started "retrieving" socks and other things I've intentionally left on the floor. Yea, that's the ticket, my house is a mess because I'm training a dog! In a couple more weeks it should be time to clean the house and start with tennis balls and small bird decoys...that's right, a VALID excuse to take a trip to Bass Pro Shop!

Other than that, I'm still recovering from a long weekend with the boys. Sunday was spent on the couch in the fetal position watching golf. Good times though, good times. My spring fever is now in full force and I need a vacation.

Thursday, April 06, 2006

What? You are tired of puppy pictures?

How about one of Jackson and Uncle Adam? Please keep the snide remarks about his abnormally large head to a minium. When his mom and dad were out of the room, we measured the circumference. The result, 48 cm. Won't be long until his mellon will require its own zip code.

Rednecks R Us

This weekend is a guy's weekend in the metropolis that is Burton, Texas. All women with fewer than 4 legs have been banned. Fortunately, there is a clause in the "Guy's Weekend Contract" that stipulates that random redneck chicks met in feed stores, bait shops, roadside produce stands or plumbing supply houses are more than welcome to join in the fun.

Our agenda is as follows:
  • 7:00pm, Friday, Arrive
  • 7:01pm Open a cold beer
That concludes the "planned" portion of the weekend. The rest will be made up as we go along. I've put my liver to bed already tonight. He will need his rest.

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Best wishes to all on Masters Eve

Whether watching it on TV back in '86 when Jack played the best 9 holes ever, or watching Freddy live at Augusta in '92 playing the 18th on Sunday, or throwing things at the TV during the "Tiger years," The Masters week is truly one of my favorite holidays. Sure, I know the banks are still open and the mail still comes, but its a holiday to me.

This year the course is a little longer and the greens are going to be a little faster. Look for the bomber/scrappers to be in the last groups on Sunday. And remember, the tournament doesn't start until the top 20 reach Amen Corner on Sunday.

If I were a betting man, Phil is hot after last week and Tiger will be playing for his ailing dad. But I'm not a betting man, so I'll be rooting for Davis, bad back and all.

Updated: We now have pairings.

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Mexican Stand-Off

I'm so, so sorry. Where is my political correctness? I meant undocumented immigrant stand-off. Please forgive me. The time change sure makes it easier to play after work. That's a good thing, all except for those undocumented mosquitoes. Fortunately you can keep them away with a product available at every grocery store. This evening, there was a struggle:

But in the end, good triumphed over evil:

But wait...we have a new accomplishment to report:

"Go ahead, build a wall. I'll just climb over it jackass."

"It may be sooner than you think."

Oh yea, Butthead? What you fail to understand is that you have no skills. You only make the dishes more dirty, you eat plants instead of planting them or gently picking the fruit and housekeeping...forget about it. Its never going to happen.