Just in case last year's apples didn't do the trick...

I was able to scrounge up this loot prior to the first door knock. If vicious dogs barking at the door doesn't scare them off, maybe Charlie will.

If you're looking for a handout, try next door. I think they're Democrats.

Nope...

...these are not my dogs:

But they do look familiar. You never know what you will find on the internet!

Molly endorses herself for Governor of Texas

"My name is Molly and I approved this message. Thank you...thank you very much."

She has my vote.

2 out of 3 things are wrong with this picture...

A masterpiece gone, but never forgotten

This morning I received an email containing a picture of a school project one of my former classmates did...shortly after he burned out and realized that the academic path he had chosen wasn't for him:

Years later, this presentation board still is proudly hangs in our professor's office. Once every year or so someone digs the picture out and emails it to everyone. It makes me smile every time.

Let this be a lesson on the harmful effects of heavy drug use. Needless to say, he wasn't around when the next semester began.

Do you feel lucky?

Do you? There are 3 things that can happen at this point...and two of them are bad.

Tess didn't chose well...NEVER take Molly's bone without permission (you can if you are willing to trust me that she's all bark and no bite.) Tess did get some camera time. So I suppose she got what she really wanted. One day Paris Hilton, Sheila Jackson Lee, Cindy Sheehan and Tess will be mentioned in the same breath as some of the greatest American camera whores of all time.

So, "A" is ruled out as a proper course of action. Let's move on to "B." Never mind...amorous advances won't get you anywhere.

If you guessed "C," you are right! Make Molly blow bubbles. That is the only way to defuse a tense situation.

Sometimes her bubbles float in the air and you can catch them on your tongue...

A Monday story

I was sleeping soundly somewhere in between Sunday night and Monday morning when I awoke to the sound of rain falling on the roof. When I hear this I always assume that the rain will stop before its time to get up and take the dogs out. It did not. We survived the morning ritual in the rain, and it was off to work, one wet dog secured in her pen in the living room and the other minding her manners (and rolling on the carpet trying to dry off.)

Little did I know that by 10 or so I'd be taking this picture not far from the front door of the office:

This is where the story gets good. Upon seeing the devastation that was at our front door, I quickly gathered our office team in the conference room...as safety liaison, it's part of my job. This was the moment I'd been preparing myself for all my life. I quickly developed a game plan.

One person was sent to get the saws-all from the shop, another got the ladder. In under 5 minutes we had a hole cut in our office roof and everyone was safely on higher ground...everyone but the safety liaison. Yes, I was still below looking for spray paint to bring up to the roof so we could all write messages to the helicopters that would soon be circling looking for stranded victims. Sure, it was dangerous. Sure, I could have been hurt, but I didn't care. We needed paint to communicate to the National Guard rescue teams.

Alas, we only had one can of paint, but many different opinions on how best to communicate to the outside world. Some of the rejected messages included:

• "The Dallas Cowboys suck."
  
• "Take us to Wal-Mart before the other looters get all the good stuff." (Good point. Our Wal-Mart is on high ground and time is of the essence)
  
• "The Houston Texans suck"
  
• "Starving. Need beer and smokes."
• "There's no place like home, there's no place like home." (Did someone just come out of the closet?)
• "My governor is a Jewish cowboy. Kinky '08."
• "Hook 'Em!" (You're fired)
• "#8 rules, #24 is a puss"
  

As safety liaison, I was forced to combine all the suggestions into our unified collective desire. What did we finally spray paint on the roof? That is a great question...

"JUST DROP THE DEBIT CARDS. WE'LL SWIM TO THE TITTY BAR"

All caps was my last minute stroke of genius. The debit cards never came. The waters receded. We were all left on our own to go about our lives paying bills, showing up for work and buying our own consumables for the rest of our natural lives. Are lap dances considered a consumable?

12-14" of rain in one day and all I have to show for it are couple of sore knees from mopping up water as it seeped into our office.

You're killin' me Tess

A public service announcement

If the following picture looks normal (click for full effect), you probably shouldn't drive:

Still not convinced whether or not you should drive?

Y'all have a good weekend. Get out and enjoy this weather!

Entertainment for a Thursday night

Just checked the mail to see what new movies Netflix had sent. Sifting through the junk, I came across a questionnaire from my esteemed state senator from Texas' 4th district. At first I was excited to have the opportunity to fill it out and vent some of my frustration about those money grubbing free-wheeling spenders that are sometimes referred to as "elected officials" on the news.

I gave it a quick read while settling in after work and thought, "I'll open a beer, sit down, collect my thoughts and respond." Then, it hit me. You jackass...you were elected as a conservative, by conservatives to be an advocate for a conservative legislative agenda and you want to ask me for my opinion on taxes, government spending, education and immigration? Oh, I forgot...politicians these days are interested in one thing-getting reelected. This survey offends me in that it's the old proverbial lick your finger and stick it in the air to see which way the wind is blowing type of thing.

Most of the questions should be no-brainers for a convicted conservative leader. My favorite question goes something like this "Do you favor or oppose giving public school teacher pay raises based on performance as well as seniority?"

Now, I may be only slightly above Forrest Gump on the I.Q. meter, but to me, that is two separate questions dammit! If I say that I favor performance based raises, then by default, I must also be in favor of raises for seniority. So, if a teacher is unable to get a performance based raise, they should stick it out, poorly teach more kids and then get a raise. Don't get me wrong, GOOD, PASSIONATE teachers should be VERY well compensated for the work they do. That might just attract the best and the brightest into the profession. As a kind man, I'll let the poor teachers keep their tax payer funded benefits. They have obviously proven their worth as babysitters...I'd just reassign them to work as prison guards so they can spend time cultivating the relationships they formed with their students while they were in the classroom.

If I hear "Its all for the children" one more time from an elected official, I'm going to put a boot up an orifice where boots don't belong. If these clueless legislators don't figure things out soon, I'm going to be forced to feed Molly and Tess pig lips and cow tails. Who wants to break the news to them? I don't have the heart.

Now where did I leave the pen I use for writing very polite F you letters?

We are still here...

Is it just me, or is Tess too small for her age, or is she too big for her britches? We love Molly...the jury is still out on Tess. That's right, I said it...I'm selling one butthead to the highest bidder. For the low, low opening bid of 4 dollars, you can make her your own!

Note to buyer: She opens holes in little dogs.

And if you believe she's for sale, I'd like to know the number to your crack dealer!