Her name is Brenda. She left us several messages earlier this week. We listened to them and chose not to call back to receive information on her wonderful retirement planning service. Thanks, Brenda, but all my retirement investments are tied up in scratch-off lottery tickets. Move along.
Well, today she called yet again and I had the pleasure of answering the phone. But first a little background. My duties as hot-shot designer and all around Renaissance man include making coffee, checking the mail and answering the phone when I'm in the office alone. I've been lobbying to hire a sexytary to take those immense burdens off my shoulders. Deaf ears.
I like to work in 2 hour spurts and then take a little break to refresh. When I get into a drawing, an interruption breaks my concentration and it takes a while to get back in "the zone." Basically answering a phone costs me 15 minutes of productivity. Every now and then an unsolicited call will come when I'm working out a great idea. This makes me mad.
Today, the beautiful Miss Brenda called at exactly the wrong time. I answered as I always do. The script from which she was reading included saying my name at least 5 times in the first minute of the call. It made me feel special...like I was the only call on her list that day. She starts running her mouth about the company at 100 mph. CLICK!!!
I didn't feel compelled to explain my scratch-off lottery retirement scheme, so I just hung up and went to take a leak. While in there, the phone rings again. Apparently Brenda didn't like being hung up on. She left a message stating that I was the rudest person she had ever encountered and that she would never recommend our business to anyone. By the way, my mission tomorrow is to figure out a way to record that message and update this post with some quality audio. Maybe I'll use my phone and record a video with sound to capture it for posterity.
This is where it gets good. I couldn't go back to work with this stuck in my craw. I got on my handy-dandy internet machine and looked up the company, its history and...what is this? A contact us page? Yes, I think I will. So I called back, introduced myself and politely asked for Brenda. She would not take the call so I politely asked to speak to the boss. He was kind enough to run interference for the lovely Miss Brenda. We chatted about what had transpired earlier. He was aware of the general details. She called, tried to pitch, I hung up, she left a scathing message. I was very polite up until the point where boss-man told me that I was being inconsiderate for just hanging up. He told me about how cold calls are hard to make. They put the solicitor in an uncomfortable position.
I NEVER go ballistic on anyone. Well, almost never.
The details of our conversation from that point on are a bit sketchy. I think I was slipping in and out of consciousness as I laid into him about how unsolicited calls drive me up a wall and how I was so excited to finally get the chance to berate someone directly responsible for paying people to make said calls. I may or may not have used 3 of George Carlin's 7 dirty words in the exchange. I can confirm saying 2. Again, the details are sketchy.
Tonight I hope that sweet Miss Brenda is at home safe and recovering from my horrid lapse in manners. I hope boss-man is also resting comfortably knowing that he is a sponsor of telephone terrorist attacks. Add one more group to the "Axis of Evil."