Tuesday, July 31, 2007
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
I find myself in a pickle
A check of the calender shows that dove season is quickly approaching. I have a hunt scheduled the first full weekend of September. I can only responsibly handle one dog on the trip. Who gets to go???
Do I take Molly, who knows what she is doing (more or less) and leave Tess at home with poodles because she has no experience? Do I take Tess on her first hunt and leave Molly at home knowing she will see the shotgun being loaded and know she is getting left behind? Only one can go, but who should it be?
Right now I'm leaning towards taking Molly because she can hang...but what if Tess is some sort of hunting/retrieving savant? Tess does have that fire in her belly to retrieve and I know that after she found her first bird, she'd be great. I just don't know what to do!
I could leave them both at home and not spend all day Sunday picking grass burs out of a dog's coat...but that wouldn't be any fun.
Do I take Molly, who knows what she is doing (more or less) and leave Tess at home with poodles because she has no experience? Do I take Tess on her first hunt and leave Molly at home knowing she will see the shotgun being loaded and know she is getting left behind? Only one can go, but who should it be?
Right now I'm leaning towards taking Molly because she can hang...but what if Tess is some sort of hunting/retrieving savant? Tess does have that fire in her belly to retrieve and I know that after she found her first bird, she'd be great. I just don't know what to do!
I could leave them both at home and not spend all day Sunday picking grass burs out of a dog's coat...but that wouldn't be any fun.
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
Free entertainment
Tired of reading about Paris Hilton the ongoing saga that is Brittney while waiting to check out at the grocery store? Have I got a fun game for you!
You'll first need to go pick out the 10 items on your list and then head to the check-out lane. 95% of the time the express lane will be a mile long, you want to avoid that isle...its a scam to get you to buy batteries or some other convenience item they have placed at the check-out. You'll have to get in the regular line behind the soccer mom talking on her phone while ignoring her screaming children. Eventually she will start putting her groceries on the conveyor belt.
I know you only have 10 items to purchase and already have your bank card and grocery store card out of your wallet or purse to insure a speedy checkout. Soccer mom has a basket full of Lunchables and juice boxes and other assorted prepared food. Soccer mom cannot be troubled to prepare for checking out. She is on an important call. Remember?
This is where the fun starts...wait for her to get her basket unloaded (the conveyor belt will likely be full at this point.) As the checker scans items, belt will automatically creep forward. You are next in line! Be patient. Allow the conveyor to creep so there is about 18-24" between her stuff and yours. You may then start placing items on the conveyor.
I know you will be tempted to reach for the "Place Between Orders" stick, but don't. Soccer mom's stuff is in a nice consolidated pile...and so is yours. There is no question that your groceries are not a part of her lot. Let "The Conveyor Belt of Impending Doom" work its blessed magic.
Soccer mom will start to get nervous when she notices that no barrier has been placed between orders. Her breathing will quicken when there are about 8 items left until her transaction is complete. The beeping of the scanner will continue and that conveyor belt will continue to creep. Your stuff is getting closer to the finish line!
Soccer mom will snap at this point. She will start experiencing life in slow motion. Her phone conversation will go quiet, her children's screams will go silent. Soccer mom WILL reach for the "Place Between Orders" bar and slam it down like a judge's gavel. Her children's Harry Potter Spaghettios must not be confused with your meager purchase.
She still won't be prepared to pay for her loot, but it sure is fun to passive aggressively throw a wrench into her shopping experience. Try it sometime. I dare you!
Be careful after you get in the car to go home though, our beloved soccer mom is still on the phone. She is still oblivious to people around her and there is the latest children's DVD playing in the grocery-getter. Advanced scholars of human anthropology know that driving close to soccer mom on the way home from the store is another opportunity for experiments in human behavior, but I request (please) that only only experts attempt any passive non-verbal communication with her.
You'll first need to go pick out the 10 items on your list and then head to the check-out lane. 95% of the time the express lane will be a mile long, you want to avoid that isle...its a scam to get you to buy batteries or some other convenience item they have placed at the check-out. You'll have to get in the regular line behind the soccer mom talking on her phone while ignoring her screaming children. Eventually she will start putting her groceries on the conveyor belt.
I know you only have 10 items to purchase and already have your bank card and grocery store card out of your wallet or purse to insure a speedy checkout. Soccer mom has a basket full of Lunchables and juice boxes and other assorted prepared food. Soccer mom cannot be troubled to prepare for checking out. She is on an important call. Remember?
This is where the fun starts...wait for her to get her basket unloaded (the conveyor belt will likely be full at this point.) As the checker scans items, belt will automatically creep forward. You are next in line! Be patient. Allow the conveyor to creep so there is about 18-24" between her stuff and yours. You may then start placing items on the conveyor.
I know you will be tempted to reach for the "Place Between Orders" stick, but don't. Soccer mom's stuff is in a nice consolidated pile...and so is yours. There is no question that your groceries are not a part of her lot. Let "The Conveyor Belt of Impending Doom" work its blessed magic.
Soccer mom will start to get nervous when she notices that no barrier has been placed between orders. Her breathing will quicken when there are about 8 items left until her transaction is complete. The beeping of the scanner will continue and that conveyor belt will continue to creep. Your stuff is getting closer to the finish line!
Soccer mom will snap at this point. She will start experiencing life in slow motion. Her phone conversation will go quiet, her children's screams will go silent. Soccer mom WILL reach for the "Place Between Orders" bar and slam it down like a judge's gavel. Her children's Harry Potter Spaghettios must not be confused with your meager purchase.
She still won't be prepared to pay for her loot, but it sure is fun to passive aggressively throw a wrench into her shopping experience. Try it sometime. I dare you!
Be careful after you get in the car to go home though, our beloved soccer mom is still on the phone. She is still oblivious to people around her and there is the latest children's DVD playing in the grocery-getter. Advanced scholars of human anthropology know that driving close to soccer mom on the way home from the store is another opportunity for experiments in human behavior, but I request (please) that only only experts attempt any passive non-verbal communication with her.
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
So...
I think it is time to start actively blogging again. I've had a busy few months and Just Golden has taken a back seat. Obviously. How about a quick recap of what I would have written if I'd been updating regularly...
- Business is good, but that's all I have to say about work.
- I went on a 7-day cruise with my entire family on my mom's side. Grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, parents, nephew and siblings. Everyone. It was probably the first time everyone has been together in 10 or 15 years. Family time was great, but "family game night" EVERY NIGHT? Some folks think a cruise is the perfect vacation. More power to them. Enjoy. Me, I have been on my first and last cruise. It became perfectly clear that I'm not cut out for cruising when I took a bathroom break while at the casino. I got to the men's room door and there were 3 scooters parked outside. I went in and saw 3 scooter driver's feet with their slot cups full of quarters carefully placed between their velcro sneakers. They had the common decency to close the stall doors. I wish I had a camera...it was too perfect. Needless to say, my next vacation will not require a coat and tie for dinner.
- Took the dogs to the lake a few weeks ago. Molly loves the water and jumped right in. Tess loves the water too and followed right along, but apparently forgot how to swim. I gave her the benefit of the doubt for a minute or so, but eventually had to make an open water rescue...twice. The next morning, I put my hangover in my back pocket and taught that damn dog to swim again. How embarrassing? After Tess was seaworthy again, she had a wonderful time swimming after duck decoys with Molly and her brother from another litter and a neighbor Golden. Yep, 4 Goldens, a cooler of beer, some decoys and good friends. Good times.
- What is up with those ankle biters in some of my previous posts? Oh yea...I have a lady friend. That's working out great. Tess has only tried to eat her poodle 3 or 4 times and the schnauzer has only been opened up twice. I think all the dogs tolerate each other now. We've only had to go to the emergency room once. The schnauzer (Daisy) stole a sock from Tess that Tess had stolen from me earlier and a fight broke out. Turns out that my best girl (besides Molly) threw out her back breaking up the fight. Emergency rooms are even better than airports for people watching, but the e.r. people watching only only makes me mad on so many levels. At least there was a less than educated couple there with the woman sick to her stomach. She had been feeling sick for a few weeks and when asked when her last period was, she guessed that it had been about 10 weeks ago. While I'm not a mathematician or a gynecologist...but I digress. I like her dogs, she likes mine. She is "good people." Here is to never going to the emergency room again.
That's plenty for now. More soon. Until then...SLAP FIGHT!
Monday, July 16, 2007
It aint easy being Golden
The Golden Retriever, cursed with a patient temperament, can never catch a break. Molly just rolls with the punches, even at nap time. I wish I could get inside her head and listen to her thoughts at moments like these. There is only one thing on this earth (well, two if you count bones) that gets her worked up. Even then, Butthead seems to trust her...Can you see the fear in Tess' eyes as she performs the "head in the mouth of the alligator trick?" Tess has no fear, and Molly has no malice. I'm glad they established that early on in their love/hate relationship.
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