Leave the door to the guest bedroom open...

...and guess what happens?

A disturbance in the Force (or garage)

Tess thinks we got a great deal. Molly (not pictured) thinks we got screwed! Tess wants a ride, Molly thinks we should have played a little more hard ball in making the deal. I tend to side with Molly after trying to give the dealership a check tonight.

Car salesmen can officially blow me. Call me crazy, but I think the guy walking in the place with a check gets to jump to the front of the line. Not at the dealership I used. They like to make people wait. I don't like to wait. I still have their money. I am prepared to walk out again if they make me wait to give them money. When they want it bad enough, I'll get some quality customer service. Lets hope they want the check bad enough tomorrow morning.

Bone night

Some dogs like bone night. Other dogs REALLY like it.

Did anyone catch the Westminster dog show? They gave best in show to a member of the Sporting Group. Sadly, it was not a Golden. A Golden has never won...Please allow me to apologize for sustaining such an unlovable, ugly breed of dog.

When zombie dogs attack

Last night I was sleeping comfortably in my bed when Tess started making some noise. "Shut up, Tess." I went back to sleep. Then, again with the low grumbles followed by an all out barking barrage. I got up and stumbled around the dark bedroom to assure her that nothing was out to get her. Still more growling and barking. She would not stop.

I turned on the light and was amazed at what I saw. Molly was curled up in her usual spot, oblivious to the commotion. Tess, on the other hand, was wandering aimlessly back and forth and barking for no apparent reason. I looked at her and her eyes were open but very droopy, her ears were down low and her tail was very relaxed. It was then it hit me...

Tess was in full sleepwalking mode. It was hilarious, even at 2 in the morning. I'd touch her and she'd bark in the other direction. I waved at her, she didn't respond. When it was time to go back to bed, I sat on the floor and grabbed her mid-bark and woke her up. She freaked out and did a "Tess is happy" jump and then curled up and went back to sleep.

That's the last time I put jalepenos in their late night chili snack!

Tess turns ONE...already

One year ago today Miss Tess entered this world. One year later, Miss Tess has become my buddy, my shadow (Groundhog Day pun intended.) My little groundhog girl.

If I had to pick just one picture to describe this first year, it would be this one. I think it captures her personality quite accurately...Or maybe its just the groundhog in her.

Happy birthday, Butthead.

That ain't right

Despite his anti-Golden/pro-Pug agenda, the author of Toothpaste for Dinner will make you laugh out loud. The TFD archives are perfect for a slow day at work. I don't know, it might take a certain sense of humor to appreciate it as much as I do.

Time machine

"Oh yea? I've got a Golden AND pajamas that have shoes sewn right in. Wanna keep talking your bunk-ass trash? I didn't think so."

Feel free to add your own caption.

America's most miserable dog

If she only knew that I was trying to help her when I pin her down to administer the mind control ear drops prescribed by her vet.

Local telemarketer gets taken to local woodshed

Her name is Brenda. She left us several messages earlier this week. We listened to them and chose not to call back to receive information on her wonderful retirement planning service. Thanks, Brenda, but all my retirement investments are tied up in scratch-off lottery tickets. Move along.

Well, today she called yet again and I had the pleasure of answering the phone. But first a little background. My duties as hot-shot designer and all around Renaissance man include making coffee, checking the mail and answering the phone when I'm in the office alone. I've been lobbying to hire a sexytary to take those immense burdens off my shoulders. Deaf ears.

I like to work in 2 hour spurts and then take a little break to refresh. When I get into a drawing, an interruption breaks my concentration and it takes a while to get back in "the zone." Basically answering a phone costs me 15 minutes of productivity. Every now and then an unsolicited call will come when I'm working out a great idea. This makes me mad.

Today, the beautiful Miss Brenda called at exactly the wrong time. I answered as I always do. The script from which she was reading included saying my name at least 5 times in the first minute of the call. It made me feel special...like I was the only call on her list that day. She starts running her mouth about the company at 100 mph. CLICK!!!

I didn't feel compelled to explain my scratch-off lottery retirement scheme, so I just hung up and went to take a leak. While in there, the phone rings again. Apparently Brenda didn't like being hung up on. She left a message stating that I was the rudest person she had ever encountered and that she would never recommend our business to anyone. By the way, my mission tomorrow is to figure out a way to record that message and update this post with some quality audio. Maybe I'll use my phone and record a video with sound to capture it for posterity.

This is where it gets good. I couldn't go back to work with this stuck in my craw. I got on my handy-dandy internet machine and looked up the company, its history and...what is this? A contact us page? Yes, I think I will. So I called back, introduced myself and politely asked for Brenda. She would not take the call so I politely asked to speak to the boss. He was kind enough to run interference for the lovely Miss Brenda. We chatted about what had transpired earlier. He was aware of the general details. She called, tried to pitch, I hung up, she left a scathing message. I was very polite up until the point where boss-man told me that I was being inconsiderate for just hanging up. He told me about how cold calls are hard to make. They put the solicitor in an uncomfortable position.

I NEVER go ballistic on anyone. Well, almost never.

The details of our conversation from that point on are a bit sketchy. I think I was slipping in and out of consciousness as I laid into him about how unsolicited calls drive me up a wall and how I was so excited to finally get the chance to berate someone directly responsible for paying people to make said calls. I may or may not have used 3 of George Carlin's 7 dirty words in the exchange. I can confirm saying 2. Again, the details are sketchy.

Tonight I hope that sweet Miss Brenda is at home safe and recovering from my horrid lapse in manners. I hope boss-man is also resting comfortably knowing that he is a sponsor of telephone terrorist attacks. Add one more group to the "Axis of Evil."

Twat? I must have an ear infucktion.

Tonight I was just sitting on the couch enjoying some quality time with my girlfriends. The smell of fresh baked sourdough bread was wafting through my nose. It smelled like home.

WAIT!

I'm not a baker. There was no bread in the oven. This is a smell I know all too well. It smells something like yeast fermenting in a dog's ear. Actually, it smelled exactly like yeast fermenting in a dog's ear. I gave Molly the sniff test. She passed. On to Tess. Her first ear passed with a 72. The other one failed miserably. I will not include a picture of the bad ear.

I smell my butthead's ears very regularly as they are prone to such afflictions. I smelled all four not three days ago. Nothing. Apparently, Miss Tess is a skilled yeast farmer. Also, she is equally as evasive as Molly when its time to administer ear drops. She is now the most pitiful dog I know.

Oh, sure, she looks harmless. You try to put drops in her ears. I dare you. Please sign the disclaimer first.