That ain't right

Despite his anti-Golden/pro-Pug agenda, the author of Toothpaste for Dinner will make you laugh out loud. The TFD archives are perfect for a slow day at work. I don't know, it might take a certain sense of humor to appreciate it as much as I do.

Time machine

"Oh yea? I've got a Golden AND pajamas that have shoes sewn right in. Wanna keep talking your bunk-ass trash? I didn't think so."

Feel free to add your own caption.

America's most miserable dog

If she only knew that I was trying to help her when I pin her down to administer the mind control ear drops prescribed by her vet.

Local telemarketer gets taken to local woodshed

Her name is Brenda. She left us several messages earlier this week. We listened to them and chose not to call back to receive information on her wonderful retirement planning service. Thanks, Brenda, but all my retirement investments are tied up in scratch-off lottery tickets. Move along.

Well, today she called yet again and I had the pleasure of answering the phone. But first a little background. My duties as hot-shot designer and all around Renaissance man include making coffee, checking the mail and answering the phone when I'm in the office alone. I've been lobbying to hire a sexytary to take those immense burdens off my shoulders. Deaf ears.

I like to work in 2 hour spurts and then take a little break to refresh. When I get into a drawing, an interruption breaks my concentration and it takes a while to get back in "the zone." Basically answering a phone costs me 15 minutes of productivity. Every now and then an unsolicited call will come when I'm working out a great idea. This makes me mad.

Today, the beautiful Miss Brenda called at exactly the wrong time. I answered as I always do. The script from which she was reading included saying my name at least 5 times in the first minute of the call. It made me feel special...like I was the only call on her list that day. She starts running her mouth about the company at 100 mph. CLICK!!!

I didn't feel compelled to explain my scratch-off lottery retirement scheme, so I just hung up and went to take a leak. While in there, the phone rings again. Apparently Brenda didn't like being hung up on. She left a message stating that I was the rudest person she had ever encountered and that she would never recommend our business to anyone. By the way, my mission tomorrow is to figure out a way to record that message and update this post with some quality audio. Maybe I'll use my phone and record a video with sound to capture it for posterity.

This is where it gets good. I couldn't go back to work with this stuck in my craw. I got on my handy-dandy internet machine and looked up the company, its history and...what is this? A contact us page? Yes, I think I will. So I called back, introduced myself and politely asked for Brenda. She would not take the call so I politely asked to speak to the boss. He was kind enough to run interference for the lovely Miss Brenda. We chatted about what had transpired earlier. He was aware of the general details. She called, tried to pitch, I hung up, she left a scathing message. I was very polite up until the point where boss-man told me that I was being inconsiderate for just hanging up. He told me about how cold calls are hard to make. They put the solicitor in an uncomfortable position.

I NEVER go ballistic on anyone. Well, almost never.

The details of our conversation from that point on are a bit sketchy. I think I was slipping in and out of consciousness as I laid into him about how unsolicited calls drive me up a wall and how I was so excited to finally get the chance to berate someone directly responsible for paying people to make said calls. I may or may not have used 3 of George Carlin's 7 dirty words in the exchange. I can confirm saying 2. Again, the details are sketchy.

Tonight I hope that sweet Miss Brenda is at home safe and recovering from my horrid lapse in manners. I hope boss-man is also resting comfortably knowing that he is a sponsor of telephone terrorist attacks. Add one more group to the "Axis of Evil."

Twat? I must have an ear infucktion.

Tonight I was just sitting on the couch enjoying some quality time with my girlfriends. The smell of fresh baked sourdough bread was wafting through my nose. It smelled like home.

WAIT!

I'm not a baker. There was no bread in the oven. This is a smell I know all too well. It smells something like yeast fermenting in a dog's ear. Actually, it smelled exactly like yeast fermenting in a dog's ear. I gave Molly the sniff test. She passed. On to Tess. Her first ear passed with a 72. The other one failed miserably. I will not include a picture of the bad ear.

I smell my butthead's ears very regularly as they are prone to such afflictions. I smelled all four not three days ago. Nothing. Apparently, Miss Tess is a skilled yeast farmer. Also, she is equally as evasive as Molly when its time to administer ear drops. She is now the most pitiful dog I know.

Oh, sure, she looks harmless. You try to put drops in her ears. I dare you. Please sign the disclaimer first.

The state of OUR union...

...is strong. Why? Glad you asked. We scrap for the things we have. We get up early (but not freakishly early) to go looking for new things to scrap for. Balls, squirrels, bones- it makes no difference. We wish other folks would do the same.

That said, we understand that some of us are born behind the 8 ball. Some of us have no guiding figures in our lives. Some are just looking for a buddy to inspire them.

I have no idea where this is going. I've felt a call in the recent months to use my damn dogs to impact the lives of others. Does that mean that I become a big brother? Do I get Molly the therapy dog bib? We'll figure it out...

4? Already?

"I'm in my prime."

I won't be able to announce Molly the Dog's birthday on Saturday, so I'll do it tonight. I'll be damned if she isn't one special dog. When life was hard, Molly was there. When life was good, Molly was there. When life was indifferent, there was Molly.

We love Molly.

Which one of these...

Miracles do happen....

If you only knew how much these two hate each other. Its a big night indeed.

No blood?

Usually when they are this close there is a debate about whether or not a vet needs to be contacted. Notice the space between them? That is the fear of god talking!

Harmony?

Too soon to tell. We like dog sitting though.

Breakthrough?

Stay tuned...The Poodle Whisperer is in the house. Please note that Tess was not hurt in the taking of this picture. I'll just say this- Tess has met God and she is now appropriately fearful.

Tonight, we turn a corner and accept little dogs into our midst. This is my mission!

This is what happens when I get bored

So, I had a little down time at work today. I thought to myself...I don't buy enough toilet paper or frozen meat in bulk. I should get a Sam's Club membership. I clicked on over to the website and looked at the different membership options. Apparently, non-business members can only shop at certain times of the day. But, what if I need 100 rolls of personal bathroom tissue at 7:30 in the morning? A Sam's business member could make that happen.

I click over to the business memberships. What's this? A free website is included with membership? And I can shop at any time of day? Sign me up! They did.

I've been kicking around the idea of starting a moonlighting business for the past year or so. You see, there are some things that I can do that other people might be willing to pay me for. I never get to do architectural renderings, graphic design or photo simulations as a part of my 8-5 job. Design/construction budgets rarely have monies to support such services.

Here's my thought...without any ethical conflicts, I could, for a fee, provide a service offering architectural renderings of existing homes, businesses, landmarks and skylines. You know, drawings fit to hang over the toilet. Heck, I would even Photoshop the strippers out of bachelor party photos. I have no idea where this will lead. Of course, any design related endeavors would be directed to my 8-5 job.

The name of the new massive profit scheme? Studio AUreo. What does that mean? Glad you asked...roughly translated it is "the studio having the color of gold." The name was chosen with help of my board of directors who were unavailable for comments.

Well, off to register with the Secretary of State! And to think, all this was prompted by a desire to purchase frozen meat and bathroom tissue by the truckload.

Congratulations are in order

Growing up, my mom always served dinner on this plate to the child who came home with straight A's, got baptized, had a birthday or did anything else out of the ordinary (for good).

If I had one of those plates, Tess would be dining off it tonight. Today was her first full day as a trustworthy member of the household. I gave her full access to the back yard, kitchen and living room all day while I was away earning money to pay for dog food.

I've been, with help, trying to make my home a little more "homey." Its hard to complete such a task with a huge dog pen occupying the dining room. Tonight, the pen goes to the garage to wait for the next puppy.

Feel free to celebrate this momentous occasion how you see fit. Me, I'll probably put them outside while I remove the pen. Then just before I let them back in, I'll open a beer and put in a bag of microwave popcorn and sit back and watch Tess' head explode while she tries to figure out all the changes and where that confounded popping sound is coming from.

Molly, you get the Red Plate when you get your therapy dog credentials. Sorry, but we have to set the bar a little higher for you.

Updated: In the process of trying to take a piture of the void that was Tess' home during business hours, I also captured one of her when she finally understood the "stay" command. Needless to say, Molly's butt was glued to the floor while Tess was getting "sit/stay." Bless both their hearts. Red Plates for both of them.

Standard resolution post

1. Drink more, smoke more, eat more cheese burgers. People who are only mildly overweight never win $250,000 on "The Biggest Loser."
2. Stop being cordial to those people who choose to walk through life oblivious to the fact that other people are trying get things done in life while stuck behind them.
   
3. Agree to disagree with liberals and cat people.
   
4. Find a new way to communicate non-verbally with other drivers, and contact the U.S. patent office regarding my mobile auto messaging display...and work out the kinks so it displays text backwards so people can read it in their rear view.
   
5. Have more boisterous conversations on my cell phone in public places.
   
6. Remember to take a penny instead of leaving a penny.
7. Write more checks in the express lane of the grocery store. Can I borrow a pen?
8. Champion the movement to start spanking unruly children in crowded restaurants again. The old days were the best days. I still remember my "The Knickerbocker whipping." I have not thrown food on the floor or ruined other dinners food experience since.
9. Tie Rachel Ray to a tree and make her watch me fawn over Giada or Sandra. Without hand gestures, Rachel is powerless.
   
10. Use the Dog Whisperer's "'CChhttt' and pinch" technique more often when dealing with people. I feel that it is a perfect way to end a boring or pointless conversation.
11. Convert to the metric system.

All kidding aside, this is the year that the Molly gets her therapy dog credentials.